I know psychologists are for everyone.
But i have my serious doubts its going to help me any. I have been to psychologists before.
At this point i might as well try it again though. just waiting for monday where i can call my hospital to ask them for phone contacts
Im crying again btw
i feel ive been done injustice.
I know this sounds like the most cliche armchair psychology in existence, but I really think that opening up like this is a very good thing, and a step for the better. The worst thing one could do in such a situation is bottling it up.
I just woke up and feel worse than before.
i dont understand why Im not getting one last chance.
Its all really just a scheme. they no longer need me so they kick me out.
Im calling and mailing and chatting but its not helping much.
Do you have to wait until Monday to schedule an appointment? I'm sorry you're feeling so down. It doesn't sound fair, but I'm sure you can find another way to help. Have you considered change jobs?
Yes I have to wait until monday. I can call my hospital then and ask for their phone numbers.
You mean do something different to working with children? I don't think I want to. I want to go back to working with children.
There are responses I'm waiting for and appointments with my advisor etc. but it takes a long time. I can only sit here and wait for weeks waiting and it's unhealthy. I could open up and develop and live a healthy life style in that kindergarten but now it's taken from me. I'm back to this old self, sitting at the PC 24/7 somehow trying to pass the time.
One other thing that bothers me is missing those children. I could work at another kindergarten but it will not be the same. When I remember the faces of those children I have to cry. I can't get it out of my head.
When time passes from now on, they will probably forget me. After all who remembers the people from their kindergarten time. It's painful to me
I feel like what happened in that kindergarten was one big bad scheme, a farce, or I'm just still not understanding what happened but what matters is that I behaved just the way I am so there's nothing I can do. I did nothing wrong. I can only mourn the loss, it's not like I can bring it back. I can not bring the people back that "died". I will try to find new people, a new kindergarten.
MUGG, I know this might be difficult to hear and you might not be in a state to take positive action on this, but one thing you can and you should do, is reflect on the criticism you receive and see what you could do differently. I know it's easy to feel like a victim, but one should always find ways to improve themselves. It's not easy and not something you can do this weekend, especially when you are dealing with severe depression. What I want to emphasize, is that I'm not blaming you for anything.
MUGG wrote:
@Warp, I did ask those people at the kindergarten what I did wrong. They say there are plenty, but they never told me about them because I'm easy to frustrate so they didn't tell me anything.
- I'm showing up to work late, because nobody complained. The former group leader said until 9 am is ok so that's what I went with.
- The children playing too 'drastically' with me
- I'm not motivated doing tasks like cleaning the house or watering the flowers, since I'm not paid
- I'm breaking rules. Specifically, one of the children told me they couldn't go to that one field of grass, I asked "who said that", "the adults", "I'm an adult". I have seen one other adult from our team on that field of grass with the children and so I thought it was ok for me to go there. I didn't see that there was a rule but then I was told I'm breaking the rules.
What you need to see here, is that people expected more from you in your work environment. Saying that you are just you and did nothing wrong, reflects badly upon your abilities to cope and adapt as well as improve your skills as an employee. They also did wrong withholding criticism from you. Openness is essential in a community.
The children seem to like you. Take the positive energy you receive from them and use it to make yourself whole again. A psychiatrist is someone you should see, since you are feeling suicidal. Please, contact one as soon as possible and start the journey of being yourself again. I hope I got through, since it's such a shame to see a person like you feel so lost and alone.
You can also always message me privately, if there's something you want to talk about.
@Brushy, thanks for your message.
I have mailed my Thanks to the people I workd with, because despite the circumstances, they did spend a lot of time for my sake.
I'm an amateur in how human communication works. I'm quick to say something, and sometimes I regret what I said. Things just got too out of hand and now even if I wanted to improve and fix my mistakes, I do not have the chance to do so.
I can only visit there every Friday and I will most likely do it at least once to get closure, to say my goodbyes to the children. It's painful thinking about that but it's probably better than not doing it at all.
Just to clarify, they offered me that I can come every Friday and keep going like that. But I don't want to accept it. It's like accepting a punishment that I had no chance of avoiding. If only I had one last chance. But I'm not getting it. They insist on the 1 day thing.
Edit:
One woman that had intership for 6 weeks and talked a lot with and came along with very well. I still had her number so I called her and we talked about what had happened. That was a good step and important for me. I got empathy and she offered that we meet in the future, precisely next Tuesday. I will see what will come out of that.
I'm still hurt inside but not as much anymore. I will probably still cry more times though. I was also thinking about going the phone route with those children. I do have most of their phone numbers so I could call their parents and try to talk. I just don't think it's going to work out well, given that I didn't bond very well (as in, not at all) with most of the parents. There are like 2 or 3 that seemed very sympathetic and I might call them sooner or later. Need to think more about what I should say. I was already advised to not say anything bad about the kindergarten. My aim is really just to keep in touch with the kids.
But a 'stranger' calling them all of the sudden because he suffers depression and got kicked out of the kindergarten, I don't know if I would want to let someone like that near my kids if I were them. That's a very sensitive matter. Words need to be chosen wisely.
I have called parents of one boy there before (because I didn't get to say goodbye to him), their dad seemed like a cool guy and wanted to invite me to their place. Their mom was more distant and just tried to arrange for the kid to visit the kindergarten one last time so we could say goodbye.
There will probably always be the possibility to see the kids again individually, in say, 2 or 5 or idk how many years from now. It's just that I think the older they get, the less they will remember me and want to do anything with me anymore. And the more time passes, I think the less interested I will be, wanting to see them again. Time passes and people change, etc. It was just a thought. It's more important for me to do something in the near future rather than in the late future.
More advice will be appreciated. Thanks for your replies so far.
Aah, the recurring topic: the meaning of life, whether or not it is meaningless. I remember my introspective journey for this matter. But where I got the best answers was in art. Art as in literature (philosophical essays and novels), films, music... I went through Arthur Schopenhauer (he taught me the power and impact of art in our lives), Friedrich Nietzsche, Albert Camus and Søren Kierkegaard; each leaving an overwhelming impact and worked their way in my psyche.
As you say that you are back to spending 24/7 in the computer, I recomend you to spend some hours in art, specifically philosophy, and more specifically these authors, because they tell you that life is full of suffering (Schopenhauer says that suffering is the only thing in life [which I really disagree]) and the Absurd is everywhere, everytime. But there is also worth in it, there is joy, there is revolt and rebellion, there is faith in the absolute...
@Guga, thanks for your messages.
I'm told to do sports, to go outside, to read books. It doesn't sound helpful and I can't get myself to do it. In the last few days, when I wasn't upset, I played Awesomenauts, worked on the Mario Luigi luascript and watched twitch livestreams. That's my day now and it's going to be mostly like that for weeks now. I would lie if I said it's not depressing. At least it's not really cheering me up. I did those things on weekends in order to wait for next monday where I could go to the kindergarten again. Now I'm basicly "waiting" for I don't really know what.
Last night I had to call emergency services and went to hospital because my suffering was unbearable. After talking about my problem, I do now know that there is a slim chance that this mess could all be reverted. I need to look for a therapist/psychologist and see him a few times, then try to convice the kindergarten. I know that it could work because their "superior leader" has spent a lot of time for my sake and has urged me to look for help which I neglected for a long time. So if she sees I did seek help, I could possibly convince the team.
I might call one of the parents today. Would be crazy if I could convince the parents to veto for me. They have seen me play with their kids numerous times. They always greeted me with a smile.
(It's not happening and it's super dangerous anyway. I need to be careful what I say because in this situation no matter what I say, it puts me and the kindergarten in a bad light.)
MUGG, I'm glad to hear you are seeking professional help. I'm sorry you had to go to the hospital but it sounds like it was the right move. Keep seeking help and looking for ways to get involved in your community. Perhaps there are some local clubs or groups that you could volunteer with. Maybe a nursing home? Maybe a homeless shelter?
Joined: 11/13/2006
Posts: 2823
Location: Northern California
I'm going to be the dissenter and suggest you stay cautious about one-on-one therapy. Psychology's a dangerous practice at heart and a lot of the so-called "professionals" aren't going to give you the help you need long-term. I'm saying this as someone who's both been to a number of psychologists and actively studied to be one myself. They're generally not good people.
I've always personally felt that the best method of therapy is group therapy, or just doing things like what you're doing right now: Opening up to a group of people that completely understand what you're going through. People who will listen and won't judge you and won't keep trying to offer you bullshit advice and placebos that do nothing more than make you feel worse overall. This is what's worked for me for so long: I've made friends who have problems, I've opened up to them, I've let them open up to me, we reach this mutual understanding, we talk about how we've been wronged in the past and for once in my goddamn life I actually feel like I've made a real connection and started to improve my attitude and behavior.
And that's why I'm so keen on group therapy, because it's an entire group of people who are going to know how you feel. It's not going to be you and some old dude who only knows depression because he studied what little we know about it scientifically, it's going to be you and 9 or so other people who have actually experienced how fucking crushing it can be to a human being. People who have hit rock bottom, fashioned grappling hooks out of dirt and determination, and are climbing their way back up.
Now maybe things are different outside of America, where our brains are essentially nothing more than cheeseburgers that sometimes think about fuckin', so I won't say "never see a therapist ever", but my honest recommendation is that if you don't think it's working, get out of there sooner rather than later. It's not worth putting in the money if you honestly don't think they're helping you. Try to find a therapist who actually makes an attempt to connect with you and not just your problems, if that makes any sense.
I genuinely hope everything works out for the best no matter what you decide to do. Stay strong.
TASvideos Admin and acting Senior Judge 💙 Currently unable to dedicate a lot of time to the site, taking care of family.
Now infrequently posting on BlueskywarmCabin wrote:
You shouldn't need a degree in computer science to get into this hobby.
Hey Mugg, just dropping in to say you're a handsome dude, still pretty young, and children love you. That's more than what many people will ever have (again), so your situation is absolutely not hopeless.
I do agree with Samsara that not all psychologists/psychiatrists/psychotherapists (geez, there are seriously too many of those) are helpful. I dated a girl who, despite being a smart and talented person, struggled getting her life together; she couldn't even get a job that wouldn't stress her out immediately, and her luck with one-on-one counseling was... well, less than convincing. And before that I dated an actual psychologist-in-training and talked to a lot of her friends. It's pretty surprising how many psychologists get into the profession in an attempt to solve their own issues (and don't succeed at that, for the most part). So if you don't feel like there's any progress going on within the first few sessions, don't be shy to pull out and find somebody else. Group therapy is a decent option because that's also how you can potentially make some real-life friends, and that's usually helpful in either case.
Warp wrote:
Edit: I think I understand now: It's my avatar, isn't it? It makes me look angry.
I have had a rough week to say the least. Things looked really damn grim last weekend. I had called a crisis helpline (Notseelsorge) and the following day I had to call emergency services and went to hospital because I was suffering that much. I hadn't suffered that much in quite a few years.
I spoke to many people about my situation and I got good advice back. Things are even slowly starting to look up and I'm confident in taking their 1 day offer, starting this Friday. They said if things turn out alright, I can visit there more days out of a week again. Which is just what I wanted to hear. After all that happened, I think I can understand why they had to take such measures. There are a lot of aspects that I had to sort out such as
- I don't have as much respect for our new group leader woman as for the previous one
- working and not getting money VS. working and being able to see the children
However...
it may very well be that things won't turn out alright in the end. I'm feeling quite insecure around that new woman. I was just being myself and did what I had been doing 7 months and got punished because of A) communication problems B) because she is new to our group and hasn't settled yet C) plain bad luck how things turned out. I hope that we can get along in the future. There is a chance that we won't. There have been plenty of problems in just those 5 weeks since she replaced the previous group leader...
About A) they never told me what I should fix or what I should be doing. Demands felt like "I can choose if I want to do it" rather than "I should probably really do that or else...".
About B) she is easy to upset, I feel like. She is also kind of unforgiving.
About C) there had several misunderstandings:
- she told me to pick something up and bring it somewhere, and I pretended I would stuff it into my jacket and steal it to mess with the kids. She wasn't looking and thought I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do.
- at the location in the woods we visited last wednesday, the field of grass we weren't supposed to enter, I thought we could enter it as long as an adult says so. The rule wasn't outlined for me. I didn't understand it existed. The monday before then, someone else did enter that field of grass with the children, after all.
- That wednesday, before that happened, I played with the kids and it turned into a game of tag unintentionally. They screamed and the woman who was nowhere near us later suspected I had played tag with the kids 'again' and it was 'out of control'. I didn't understand what was wrong about it since we were in the woods and not at the streets, and it wasn't my intention to play tag in the first place. She never told me she didn't want me to do such games, ever.
All that being said, thanks kindly for all your messages! It has helped me and I'm glad I have this topic to discuss my life problems
So things did look like they were going back to normal and I can eventually be allowed more than 1 day a week. But after I mailed and talked to that woman today, it sounds like they won't grant me any more than 1 day for the next month or so, and after that not any more than 2 days or so a week. Which is complete ass.
It is already due to misunderstandings and things out of my control that I've been "banned". Now that I pretty much used all the criticism they gave me and ask what I can do to help and try to get involved in the day, it doesn't even look like the "ban" is going to be lifted any time soon. It's a matter of "I don't like you Christoph, so I'm not going to let you come here" at this point. That or maybe they deem me unnecessary. I don't know what is the truth. For all I know, they just used me and now they can no longer fit me in their schedule.
The two days I went there after I was announced the "ban", I helped over a dozen of the children who were fighting each other, crying, or needed help and nobody but me was around. What happens when I'm not around? Why can I not be around and play with them like I used to for half a year? Why did this mess happen? How was it my fault? And even when I'm fixing my behavior, why can't I come anymore? What do they tell the children asking where I am?
It is very easy for me to start thinking all this and it makes me feel miserable and afraid of the future. This kind of shit has happened before and it will happen again. I could use my parents' advice in this case and say "fuck those people and move on" but I'm not a stone. I have feelings attached to that place I've been to and the children. I can't help but think about it.
What's happening to me is unjust.
Unjust things happen, even to the most diligent of us. They suck. Sometimes you can remedy them, sometimes you can't. Unless you have clear yet unused ways in mind to remedy the situation, dwelling on it probably is probably going to do you more harm than good. People who have affinity for depression or similar conditions tend to get stuck thinking about problems to the point where it continually reduces their ability to find and enact a solution.
I'm sure you want to know what it was in your behavior that set off this unfortunate chain of events, but it doesn't look like the people actually responsible for your "ban" are willing to inform you (...or they just don't like you, period), so it's unlikely that you'll find satisfactory answers there. If you have any allies in that organization, or parents that have expressed their sympathy towards you, you could try talk to them about your conflict with the kindergarten administration and see if they can offer you some new perspective (besides, talking itself can be hugely therapeutic). Now, reading up on your story, I see you've already considered that. What came of it, if anything?
Warp wrote:
Edit: I think I understand now: It's my avatar, isn't it? It makes me look angry.
Unjust things happen, even to the most diligent of us. They suck. Sometimes you can remedy them, sometimes you can't. Unless you have clear yet unused ways in mind to remedy the situation, dwelling on it probably is probably going to do you more harm than good. People who have affinity for depression or similar conditions tend to get stuck thinking about problems to the point where it continually reduces their ability to find and enact a solution.
I'm sure you want to know what it was in your behavior that set off this unfortunate chain of events, but it doesn't look like the people actually responsible for your "ban" are willing to inform you (...or they just don't like you, period), so it's unlikely that you'll find satisfactory answers there. If you have any allies in that organization, or parents that have expressed their sympathy towards you, you could try talk to them about your conflict with the kindergarten administration and see if they can offer you some new perspective (besides, talking itself can be hugely therapeutic). Now, reading up on your story, I see you've already considered that. What came of it, if anything?
Thank you moozooh. I think that this was an especially helpful answer.
There are still ways for me to possibly remedy the situation.
- I have not made an appointment with a therapist or psychologist yet because it has been a difficult task that I've been postponing the past 2 weeks. I tried calling at evening but then the answering machine didn't let me leave a message. I tried asking my adviser for help, but he tells me I need to do it myself, I need to initiate the therapy myself. But I plan on making one or more appointments today. No more postponing. It needs to be done or everyone loses faith.
- I can wait and see what will come of the situation in a few weeks. I just think a long-term "ban" is unjust and it feels like a wrong punishment. I'm starting to think that I will wait about 3 weeks from now and it things aren't going back to normal, I will stop going there, as much as it hurts. But maybe things will look differently then.
I hadn't called any parent so far. Last Friday, I approached one of the parents that expressed sympathy and asked if I can call them to talk and keep in touch. It seems none of the children or the parents knew that I'm arranged to visit only once a week, they just wondered where I have been. Calling that parent can backfire my situation beyond repair if I'm not careful with my words but I plan on calling sometime soonish.
As for allies, there was one very sympathetic woman who worked at the kindergarten for 6 weeks internship and I called her soon after the mess started. We first talked on the phone, then met a few days later and talked in person. It slightly helped me feel better, she gave me some advice, and offered that we meet once a month. I said in one of my previous posts that I was calling and mailing people, and she was one of those people. Aside from that, I emailed someone I knew back from the day hospital and got a helpful answer back. In the end, I have gotten different kinds of advice and point of views back. It was mostly all speculation and "what if" and "what should I do" brainstorming. Many think that I should not contact any of the parents because it can backfire so easily, and as someone who works at the kindergarten, I'm not one to directly approach the parents with my own problems. One said that I should not relieve my frustration about not earning any money and being given thankless tasks in the kindergarten, since I go there mainly to be with the children (which is a reward in itself). That last advice doesn't help me anymore, since I'm not being given a second chance.
I'm definitely interested in clarity (why is it that this mess happened and it cannot be reverted). But I might not receive a clear response. I can only wait and see what will happen, and maybe when this gate closes, other gates will open up.
I'm starting to think that I will wait about 3 weeks from now and it things aren't going back to normal, I will stop going there, as much as it hurts. But maybe things will look differently then.
Sounds quite reasonable.
MUGG wrote:
I hadn't called any parent so far. Last Friday, I approached one of the parents that expressed sympathy and asked if I can call them to talk and keep in touch. It seems none of the children or the parents knew that I'm arranged to visit only once a week, they just wondered where I have been. Calling that parent can backfire my situation beyond repair if I'm not careful with my words but I plan on calling sometime soonish.
Right. Parents are extremely protective of their children and are afraid that any conflict or strife among the kindergarten staff might involve the children in one way or another—something that should not be allowed to happen under any circumstances because none of such involvements are desirable. Perhaps that is why the administration isn't willing to dig deep into this matter—they're afraid of their inability to keep the situation under control if you somehow lose your composure—which they sense might happen even if you strive to keep your emotional turmoil under wraps. Even if there is no direct harm to the children, if parents catch wind of the conflict, it might reflect badly on the kindergarten's and its administration's image—something they don't want, either. In this sense it's understandable that they assume such an impenetrable position—it's the safest in their situation.
Which is why, if/when you end up talking to people familiar with the overall context, you shouldn't construe the topic as venting your frustration (which is something you should do with friends/relatives, not people you're in a service/client or other hierarchical relationship). Make it clear that you honestly want to improve and make sure conflicts such as this don't happen in the future as long as you can help it. The message you want to get across to the person you're coming for help to is that you lack crucial experience—something you can only gain if there is enough feedback, and that the person in question can provide that feedback when the directly involved party fails to. In this sense subtlety matters a lot, as the difference between "this was unjust" and "was this just?" is that the former assumes your innocence by default while denying your agency and shutting off potentially contrarian feedback. Extremely few situations you end up in truly bypass your agency, and people are wary of those quick to assume nothing was their fault, since that can extend to rationalizing any future misdemeanor. Always make sure to recognize the rights and wrongs of both sides in a conversation—that makes people a lot more likely to relate to your problems even if they don't 100% agree with you. (Note that most of the time the social protocol plays out like this: the troubled one should try to be somewhere between being impartial and/or blaming themselves, while the helper should try to be somewhere between being impartial and blaming the third party, i.e. occupying the opposite position on the spectrum at the same distance from zero. Oh society, you so weird.)
Another point to consider is that people are instinctively afraid of the unknown, and in case with people they don't know well—like yourself—they cling to the secondary indicators of one's well-being and integration into society; in no particular order: education, career, family, friends, wealth, health, fame (not to be confused with infamy). Having those in good order typically suggests that you are at least able to achieve/maintain those states/relationships, and thus can be trusted with responsibilities. Knowing that gives hope to the outsiders that you are well-enough integrated into society that the likelihood of you being dangerous to them, their endeavors, or their family is within the acceptable (for a near-stranger) bounds—if only because you have valuable things to lose if you decide to step on the wrong path. Having them in disarray, on the other hand, might indicate that you will eventually fail your responsibilities—even if by no ill will of your own—or even cause harm consciously. (It's sad, but that's how it works.) As such, you probably shouldn't announce the extent of your social problems at any point, or at least do so extremely carefully and in a way the other person can relate to, lest you scare them off right off the bat. You can veil the actual deficiencies by semantics; e. g. if you say you're socially anxious or that you're afraid of talking to people you're much more likely to raise a warning flag than if you say you're shy, which is basically the same thing expressed in a less-loaded way.
Thus your choice of words and tone in such talks is instrumental to your success in gaining clarity of the current situation and formulating further goals. Your best friends are open-mindedness, respect, and striving for self-improvement and resolving the conflict in the most peaceful way possible. If the other person can sense them coming from you, you should be able to win them over without being 100% honest about your psychological issues. At least to the point where you can extract useful information out of them and have a mutually pleasing talk in the process, which is what's needed.
Sorry if that was too much to digest at once. In any case, in order to help you get into the more constructive mindset, I recommend these two wonderful resources.
1. Alain de Botton's The School of Life YouTube short series on self and relationships. Lots of useful insights put in words easy to understand and relate to.
2. Tim Urban's WaitButWhyblog. Tim is perhaps the sharpest and most thorough person to ever write in a non-specialist blog, with articles routinely exceeding 10k (sometimes 20k) words because of his near-obsessive pursuit to get to the bottom of the chosen topic. Among other things, he's written some extremely insightful pieces on the nature of consciousness and social behavior (some good examples: 1, 2, 3, 4), all spruced up with good humor and numerous links to data sources.
Warp wrote:
Edit: I think I understand now: It's my avatar, isn't it? It makes me look angry.
@moozooh: Thanks for your information.
I did learn a few things from your write-up, but I can't say it's a topic I'm eager to study. When someone talks to me I have two seconds to come up with a response and I can't think whether to say I'm socially anxious or I'm shy in that time. I just want to be open and tell what my feelings are.
About that parent, I called her just now. In the end, she is understanding of my situation and she wished me luck for my future but that's all the perspective I have gotten out of it. She repeatedly told me I need to accept my situation and need to accept it when they (the kindergarten staff) tell me they're not willing to let me visit anymore. My strong feelings for the children are also a rather one-sided matter. I mustn't get attached to them that much and I need to let them go sooner or later anyway.
To which my response was yes but I wish the situation would have ended on better terms. But then, if there had been (or there will be, maybe) a final day, where they celebrate my farewell, I would probably still not be capable of emotionally accepting it. I hate farewells. I'm almost in tears just thinking about it.
I think this farewell matter is an especially big deal for me. I believe it has its roots in my childhood, where my older sister has pretty much run away overnight and I had stopped seeing her since then (11 years ago). That, plus I have never really made friends and I'm still lonely, so those social contacts (with the children, with the people from the day clinic etc.) are much more valuable and important to me. And then those pitfalls occur, where I get left behind. All the social bonds I valued for the past few months are suddenly gone and I'm left with me alone and thinking why am I still living at my parents' house, there are plates and trash on the floor everywhere and a fly on my window and I spend time on the computer 24/7 because there's nothing else I want to do.
Up till the day clinic, I was emotionally attached to people I knew from my school (4~5 years ago). People I wish I could see again, but they are all scattered in the country, studying, and probably not caring what I'm doing because I wasn't important to them. Girls I had a crush on but never confessed. And more people I wish I could talk to. But when I tried contacting one girl again that I used to go take private math lessons with (and I always found her likeable up until then), I got an SMS from not even their phone telling me she's not interested in meeting up. And even though we live within 1km range. Ok, I need to accept that, but it makes me feel bad nonetheless. I wasn't important to that person. It weakens my confidence - why should I bother trying to contact more people from my past, if that same thing could happen, etc.
During the day clinic, I became less concerned about my former school peers and more focused on the people I had met in that clinic. I started using Whatsapp and became much more open and confident. But then that ended, I stopped using Whatsapp and everyone went their own ways. I'm again left just wondering what all those people have been up to.
Now the kindergarten thing is ending, I have to leave behind those people as well. When I look back at this time, I can't feel good. I can't feel happy for what happened, and happy for the children, who they're growing up to be, and always welcome to visit sometime. I feel terrible, saddened, punished and it feels like those people have died.
It's a repeating cycle of good and bad and nothing really stays the same. When I switch from one part of my life to the next, it has always been a huge loss so far.
-----
Tomorrow, my advisor who had put me in contact with the kindergarten in the first place, my guardian (gesetzlicher Betreuer) and the kindergarten administrator (not sure if I talked about her in this topic yet, but we have been on good terms and she spent a lot of time for my sake so far. But in my situation she is more or less unable to help, it seems.) and I are going to meet. We will discuss the current situation and what steps should be taken from here on out. I feel a bit ashamed they all meet for my sake like that. And I'm really hoping the situation can improve after talking it over again, but maybe I will be disappointed.
Due to that appointment tomorrow, I have finally called two psychotherapists so as to not end up in the situation tomorrow where my advisor or the administrator will ask me if I have yet to call one. Because they lose faith in me if I still hadn't done it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFbv757kup4
i really enjoy watching vids or readin articles on psychtoday,maybe you can find one that helps you
personally,i'd advise you to let go of everything related to this old job,i think it will be less painful if you let go of it
I want all good TAS inside TASvideos, it's my motto.
TAS i'm interested:
Megaman series, specially the RPGs! Where is the mmbn1 all chips TAS we deserve? Where is the Command Mission TAS?
i'm slowly moving away from TASing fighting games for speed, maybe it's time to start finding some entertainment value in TASing.
personally,i'd advise you to let go of everything related to this old job,i think it will be less painful if you let go of it
In case I didn't mention it or it wasn't obvious from my writing, the kindergarten I've been visiting is a nature-based, outdoor one. There are maybe a dozen or two in my area and the chance of there being a free spot for me in one of them is next to 0% right now. I have contacted nature-based and regular ones, but I haven't gotten positive replies back for my 6 or so inquiring emails.
I wrote:
Tomorrow, my advisor (...), my guardian (...) and the kindergarten administrator (...) and I are going to meet. We will discuss the current situation and what steps should be taken from here on out.
This talk didn't go so well. My guardian wants me to undergo therapy in a clinic again*. Negotiating for more than 1 day was impossible and seems impossible in general. I can talk about misunderstandings or my best intentions and errors, but it doesn't matter to them. I felt really misunderstood and left in the rain after that talk, literally even (it rained hard). I went to buy new shoes and had another appointment where I had a surprisingly good and uplifting talk so I'm not completely down.
* This starts in half a year at the earliest, meaning I stay at home for 6 days a week and visit the kindergarten 1 day in the next 6 months. Sounds boring and I'm stuck in my unhealthy life-style.
Oh, get this: All those people in that talk at one point pretty much in consensus told me, it is up to me to get things running and working out for me and I should stop blaming others. While there is some truth in that, it felt so wrong in this particular situation. I am unable to get out of my unhealthy life-style I've been leading for 15+ years, my loneliness and depression and this new shitty situation I have unwillingly entered.
I'm somewhere between indifferent and depressed.
Edit:
@grassini, good video. Thanks.
btw mugg my invitation to a beer is still relevant, so if nobody is there for you, remember there´s a guy in bavaria where you can come by ;)
2-do:
Smurfs Nightmare, The (EU) GBC 10%
fin :
Mega Man: Dr. Wily's Revenge improvement: submitted
Mega Man II Improvement: submitted
Mega Man IV Improvement: submitted
Mega Man V Improvement: submitted
future plan:
-n-
@Tremane: Maybe I will consider that. Just let me know your address in a PM. I need to see if I can afford it.
I will continue talking about what is happening.
Today (friday) would have been the next (and third) day where I visit the kindergarten. I have felt depressed since that 4-people talk last Tuesday and I was hurting more than I was anticipating and looking forward to seeing the children again. So I ended up skipping it.
I emailed the administrator woman (the one I used to get along with well), she replied back. They wanted my help today and she wanted to talk about something. But that didn't convince me and I wanted to remain consistent, so I didn't go.
I have instead replied back saying I'm not sure I will ever go there again. I explained there have been misunderstandings and errors in the communication and no clearly defined rules. I wasn't given a second chance. And everyone seems to deem it's the fault of my disease (autism and depression), which it isn't. That's some real talk I have started now.
I feel good having done this. But I don't feel good about what repercussions this could have, such as me being denied to come altogether. I actually intend for this contact to stay intact. But I think it was the only right choice. Otherwise I would feel miserable and always yearning for that 2nd chance they promise me but they're not giving it to me. It's like I'm a dog and they try to bait me. No more.
I will post in this thread when I feel depressed or if I'm in a difficult life situation.
Everyone is encouraged to post about their own troubles, too.
Ok, not to derail or anything, but has anyone else experienced getting through a difficult course in uni/college with most of the class failing because the concepts are abstract as hell, and the work requires you to actually understand what is going on, and when talking about it to parents they simply dismiss you and claim that it's "proof" this generation is lazy and hopeless and they could've "simply raised their grades by studying harder (rote learning)"? Because this happened to me for the last 3 courses and it makes me die a bit inside on every instance.
If a subject is too abstract, one of the two things usually helps:
1) finding a real-world, relatable application of the subject (this works for pretty much everything except some subset of mathematics);
2) finding a decent explanation (there are dozens of YouTube channels that are basically dedicated to that exact goal, then there's r/ELI5, Simple English Wikipedia, etc.).
The students of today don't realize how incredibly lucky they are to live in an age where simple explanations for almost everything exist and take at most a few minutes to find.
Warp wrote:
Edit: I think I understand now: It's my avatar, isn't it? It makes me look angry.
