Dialect is really hard to pull off well. I consider myself to be an excellent writer but I won't touch dialect with 40-foot pole. I hope you aren't insulted by this, but I didn't read the whole thing, I quit after the fourth or fifth paragraph. Because of that, I don't really have anything else specific to say about your writing, but I do have some general pointers on how to improve:
- Get a bunch of famous or well-received books from many authors and many genres.
- Read them, and every time you encounter a sentence you enjoy very much, write it down in a notebook, or on a notecard, or perhaps in a file on your computer.
- Also write down every sentence you encounter with a word whose definition or usage you didn't know or weren't certain about.
- Periodically read over your lists of sentences and take some time to think about each one. Perhaps you can read them out loud, or relocate them in the original source and reread a few pages.
In this way you may slowly internalize a vast body of text better than what you are currently capable of writing. Ultimately it may help your writing to mature.
P.S.
Here's an old thread with some reading suggestions from various forum members.
