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Post subject: Re: Dealing with depression
Experienced player (690)
Joined: 2/5/2012
Posts: 1795
Location: Brasil
jlun2 wrote:
MUGG wrote:
I will post in this thread when I feel depressed or if I'm in a difficult life situation. Everyone is encouraged to post about their own troubles, too.
Ok, not to derail or anything, but has anyone else experienced getting through a difficult course in uni/college with most of the class failing because the concepts are abstract as hell, and the work requires you to actually understand what is going on, and when talking about it to parents they simply dismiss you and claim that it's "proof" this generation is lazy and hopeless and they could've "simply raised their grades by studying harder (rote learning)"? Because this happened to me for the last 3 courses and it makes me die a bit inside on every instance.
I've definitely been there,but as i knew my father would be a turd about it,i told him nothing,suffered silently and studied as much as i could to pass the shitty statistics2 class.Since i got into federal university(which is free in brazil),i don't say anything about my progress on it besides i'm taking one or two classes.You can also try switching teachers if possible or using outside material.Wolfram alpha,random pdf online and youtube were the biggest help ever. I'll be finishing univ. this year,so all I can tell you right now is to let go of the distractions(games and tasing for example) and power through the shit the assholes will throw at you. Give yourself time to figure out how you gonna do it.
I want all good TAS inside TASvideos, it's my motto. TAS i'm interested: Megaman series, specially the RPGs! Where is the mmbn1 all chips TAS we deserve? Where is the Command Mission TAS? i'm slowly moving away from TASing fighting games for speed, maybe it's time to start finding some entertainment value in TASing.
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Joined: 3/10/2004
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Location: Finland
In high school I just loved math and physics. Because I loved the subjects, I paid attention in class, because it was so interesting. Eg. at math class, everything the teacher said, and everything he wrote at the blackboard, I understood just like that, without any problems. My brain absorbed all that information like a sponge absorbs water. I just "got" it. Just like that. I never even bothered doing any homework because everything was so easy. I regularly got full 10 points in all exams. Physics was the same. Then something strange happened in the last year of high school. At some point I just lost interest in physics. Math was still interesting, but somehow I just couldn't "get" physics anymore, and suddenly I started actually failing exams, to the great puzzlement of both me and my teachers. I still got straight 10's in math, but could barely pass physics exams with a lot of effort. I don't really know what happened. I just somehow lost interest. After high school there was a life situation, involving moving from one country to another, that didn't allow me to go immediately to university. In the interim year I went to a kind of open university for a couple of months. Mostly for math courses. I was still interested in math, and everything was really easy. Then something again suddenly happened. One day I was still fully interested in math, the next day I lost all interest completely. I really don't know why or how. And it became really hard. Everything I had learned previously was easy, but everything new was really hard because I just couldn't get interested, even though I tried. It was really strange. This was quite problematic when I finally got to university. Every math class that dealt with the same subjects as in high school was relatively easy, but everything that dealt with complex new subjects was really, really hard, and I had a very hard time passing the exams. No matter how I tried to motivate myself to get interested in those subjects, it didn't work. I eventually passed all those math classes, barely, but with great difficulty. I still to this day love high school level math, especially in programming (and especially in graphical programming). I like geometry, trigonometry, vector math... All the high school level stuff. They have practical applications in programming. But when the subject goes much more complex than that... aargh. I noticed several times at university that passing exams and getting good grades was 100% a question of getting interested in the subject. If I had no interest, it was extremely hard to pass. If I got interested, it was easy to get high grades, even full grades. One particular example was an introductory class to economics. I literally had zero interest in the subject, and while the teacher was quite good and tried to make the subject interesting, I just didn't "get" it, and failed exam after exam after exam. One year, when I was repeating the course from scratch, however, a friend who was also on the same course suggested that we study together. He actually succeeded in making the subject somewhat interesting, when we discussed it together, and pondered about the problems together. I got a 3 (from a scale from 0 to 5, where 0 is failure, and 1 or higher is a pass) on the final exam, just like that, without much effort. It was all a question of getting interested in the subject. Ok, wall of text over.
Editor, Expert player (2329)
Joined: 5/15/2007
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Location: Germany
It's refreshing to see a change of topic. I will try to write something related. When it comes to passing classes, for me it has always been about writing down the stuff from the blackboard, learning it by heart at 4 a.m. the day of the exam, getting a good grade, and then forgetting most of it. It has always been mindless like that. I couldn't bring myself to start studying earlier. The fact I only start studying at the very last moment is what got me into a lot of trouble sometimes, such as the moments when I realized I couldn't understand the stuff or needed more time, so I just skipped the exam (and the entire day of school, thus missing stuff, leading to more problems). Or such as when I had a hard time convincing my doctors I'm 'sick' on those days I skipped. Or such as my health getting significantly worse due to lack of sleep and due to the headache that was "learning 30 pages within 2 hours". There have been times where I needed to redo more than 3 exams because I had skipped them. At first it was plain laziness and felt like something that was just temporary. But when I look back at it, it really was depression that started to sink in. My older sister had run off. I didn't confess to my love interests and/or I got turned down. And I was having a hard time with my parents and I was a loner. That was the time where my grades started getting worse and I became more silent in general. I had pretty much just lived into the day, somehow trying to make it through, with no real ambitions. Things got depressing during my computer science education as well, eventually leading to me interrupting it and undergoing therapy (in November 2015). Now that I got kicked out of that kindergarten, I tried contacting a dozen therapists and another dozen other kindergartens, but none of them have the capacity. I'm more or less stranded at home in my shitty lifestyle now. Not even feeling motivated for TASing. At least the fact that I have at least tried making the phonecalls to those therapists and kindergartens is something that makes me feel better. There are a handful appointments somewhere down the road that might open some perspective, but until then it is waiting and more waiting.
Editor, Expert player (2329)
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Location: Germany
Thanks to a rather coincidental encounter with a relative who was over for a visit who gave me, I could call it, an eye-opening talk, I realize there is really four things I should work on now: 1 - Get a driver's license in the next few months 2 - Find a suitable therapist/psychologist 3 - Find a suitable kindergarten to do an FSJ at (which was my original plan back in February) 4 - Move out in the next few months, possibly into a shared apartment If I don't pursue 1), I'm probably going to remain dependent on others and on public traffic. Better pursue this sooner than later, now is a good opportunity since I have the time. I'm already pursuing 2), but not really. I could arrange more appointments. For 3), I will probably have to endure waiting a few months for now. I'm going to have to leave behind the current kindergarten sooner or later. 4) is the real shit. There is so much: I have a troubled past, I can't get along with my parents, I hate the place where I live, I have trash lying around in my room, I'm lonely, etc. It would be great to leave it all behind and get a "change of scenery". Most important though, is to have new and likeminded people around.
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'Most important though, is to have new and likeminded people around.' what do u mean with likeminded? people that want a change of scenery or the depressed? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201310/do-you-feel-impostor
I want all good TAS inside TASvideos, it's my motto. TAS i'm interested: Megaman series, specially the RPGs! Where is the mmbn1 all chips TAS we deserve? Where is the Command Mission TAS? i'm slowly moving away from TASing fighting games for speed, maybe it's time to start finding some entertainment value in TASing.
Editor, Expert player (2329)
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grassini wrote:
'Most important though, is to have new and likeminded people around.' what do u mean with likeminded? people that want a change of scenery or the depressed? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201310/do-you-feel-impostor
I mean having people of my age and with similar interests around. People that I can hang around with and feel comfortable with. I do not think this so-called impostor syndrome is the main problem here. Maybe it is one symptom of the problem.
nfq
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Warp wrote:
It was all a question of getting interested in the subject.
I've noticed that it seems to work the other way around too: The more you understand something, the more interesting it becomes. It's a catch 22 situation: you have to be interested in order to understand it, but you can't be interested if you don't understand it. Politics and religion for example used to be very boring to me before I understood more about them. Now they're a lot more interesting. Politics is less interesting because I understand less about it. Maybe interest and understanding are almost the same thing.
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MUGG wrote:
I will continue talking about what is happening.
Today my 4th appointment with my new therapist 'escalated', we had a somewhat heated argument and it basicly ended on the conclusion: He is not the right therapist for me. He can't help me further. So back to square one it is. ¯\_( ツ)_/¯
Guga
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The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. - Albert Camus, "The Myth of Sisyphus"
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empathy from the therapist is probably the number one factor in good therapy,could you tell us something about this argument? do you feel like you're the kind of person that can be confronted without feeling attacked,MUGG?do you feel the therapist was over agressive,does he/she have the right to "push" you if needed or do you believe it's never right to confront the pacient?
I want all good TAS inside TASvideos, it's my motto. TAS i'm interested: Megaman series, specially the RPGs! Where is the mmbn1 all chips TAS we deserve? Where is the Command Mission TAS? i'm slowly moving away from TASing fighting games for speed, maybe it's time to start finding some entertainment value in TASing.
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grassini wrote:
could you tell us something about this argument?
That therapist, a 40 year old man, somehow gave me the impression he didn't really care to understand my situation. I had not been able to tell him about my troubles to the extent I would have liked to. We kept getting caught up on smaller matters and topics. He kept telling about his own youth and his own life (which appears to be a bad trait for a therapist to have). He also kept talking in a way that I couldn't understand him, it was almost philosophical and didn't make sense to me. So last monday, I was feeling especially troubled and frustrated, we were getting caught on something again as he wanted to inquire me about my and my father's second name. He took note of my anxious gestures but after he asked me whether I know the meaning of my first name and I told him that I don't care and that this sort of thing is not going to solve my situation, he proceeded to tell me in a serious tone something along the lines of what he's doing is an offer and either I'm taking it or I'm packing my stuff. I then told him my concerns and that I hadn't expected this to go anywhere, and so we parted. I felt relieved since then and I felt strangely motivated to make some phone calls and to clean up my room some.
do you feel like you're the kind of person that can be confronted without feeling attacked
This hadn't been a problem with the therapist but with other people. I have a problem taking criticism and I feel easily frustrated. But I strongly believe it is related to how someone communicates with me. Latest example is with the kindergarten I had been visiting, they kind of scolded me for something minor, or kind of yelled at me for breaking a rule I didn't know existed, and all the while I felt I was doing nothing wrong and just wanted to be a little more like the other male employees I had observed. Under those circumstances I get very easily frustrated to the point where it escalated in September 28th and I ran off. By now I'm strongly convinced what had been going on in that kindergarten is all due to poor communication. They didn't take me aside to talk to me but instead they just shouted over everyone's head and the way they did it was making me feel guilty, in a strange way. As if I had been caught shoplifting.
do you feel the therapist was over agressive,does he/she have the right to "push" you if needed or do you believe it's never right to confront the pacient?
He wasn't aggresive or pushing. I just feel like he didn't really care to understand my situation. He just went on with pointless questions he had already asked me the previous appointment. I gain nothing from telling this man my life story and then get rewarded with a talking-to when I take no interest in his pointless questions about the meaning of my family's names.
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I suffer, again and again. This whole kindergarten thing has gotten to a point where I literally have flashbacks of the 28th September and I remember the kids faces calling for me and it's unbearable. It's traumatic. I have this once in every week or every two weeks. And the people I reached out for IRL? None of them is left, caring. I could probably say they pretty much all ignored me. For example, people I knew back from that day hospital, we used to meet once a month for a reunion. And there was a girl my age that I always regarded as a good friend. But none of those people I tried messaging replied back. I tried messaging one guy 3 times and another once, and I get nothing back, no info on the date or location of the next reunion. And it's not like my phone is broken, cause it's working. I really don't see why literally everyone that I love just gives me the cold shoulder. It has happened over a dozen times. I'm fucking done. I'm not sure where this will lead, but I don't care. It's not like there are people that make me feel motivated to lead a healthy lifestyle or get somewhere, cause there are none. I have said this once before: I don't want to live for myself.
Guga
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Joined: 1/17/2012
Posts: 838
Location: Chile
You are really reaching the depths of despair. I know, I've been saying this for a long time and probably it got tiresome for you, but I really mean it when I say that maybe your last option of salvation is art. And more than any art form, I mean literature, the books. The books have been the only thing that made me look directly into my own situation and improve on and on. I'm not talking about self-help books, they are awful and unrealistic. I'm talking about real philosophy, especially the ones from Germany: Arthur Schopenhauer and Friedrich Nietzsche are the ones that led me through an existential crisis, one that thankfully I came out alive and with joy. "Die Welt als Wille und Vorstellung" and "Die Geburt der Tragödie" might be good choice: both are about the world as suffering, both are totally against suicide, but the later is more about embracing this suffering. I really, REALLY, REALLY encourage you to read both (in the order I mentioned them, the second builds up on the first one), and maybe you will come out with some conclusions. And if you think that you get too distracted while reading, then read while listening to white noise. You will have to try it.
Active player (426)
Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 1047
Location: California
Quick suggestion you or others with depression may want to look into: Have you ever heard of MBTI? It's no exact science, but it is a good tool to find out how like-minded people have gotten through situations and struggles you may be going through (depression and otherwise). MBTI is very well known throughout the world. Once you type yourself using the above link, which is pretty straightforward and quick, you can google the acronym that corresponds to you (of a possible 16) and read some descriptions to see if it seems to match you and your personality. If you feel it does, perhaps google some more about the type and how people like that have dealt with depression in their lives. If it doesn't feel relatable, consider using this questionnaire that will give you estimates (as percentages) of which way you lean between the 8 functions. Again, this isn't a science whatsoever, as the massive variances in people is always a factor. But you may still find it useful for potentially learning/rediscovering some things about yourself, and/or finding like-minded people. If you do end up relating to a type description, just use it as a rough guide and try to avoid boxing yourself into a label. Everyone is extremely different and basically living a completely other life from anyone else due to the veil of perspective everyone has constantly distorting reality. Also, I'd like to note that for you specifically, MUGG, I understand you feel no one around you currently cares about your life. But always know that your being and actions you've made have impacted multiple friends and acquaintances around the world in positive ways from your impressive speed run work, and more. That includes me who is always looking forward to what you have to upload next. I have huge respect for you man, and I really hope your future is brighter than your past.
Guga
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Joined: 1/17/2012
Posts: 838
Location: Chile
I could edit my last post, but I want to make sure that you read this. If, however, you believe in a higher power, an supra-rational entity, a God, then you could skip those two authors and go to Søren Kierkegaard, and his whole work. His views on anxiety, despair, faith, the Absurd of the universe are mind-blowing. His main works (titles in german) are Entweder – Oder (both parts), Furcht und Zittern, Die Wiederholung and Die Krankheit zum Tode, and they are gonna teach you like everything; how do I know? Because reading him impacted me, and maybe it will impact you too. He writes poetically, his thoughts are sublime. He was very melancholic too. He left his fiancé out of the blue, and Kierkegaard spent his whole life trying to explain to himself why he specifically did it. You will maybe feel connected with him. However, all of the works that I mentioned to you above, were written under pseudonyms (in fact, Entweder – Oder goes like this: it was edited by Victor Eremita, the part I are essays written by A, and in that part there is a section called Seducer's Diary, that it was found by A but written by Johannes; and part II is written by B, or Judge Vilhelm), so in particular, they are not his works, but they are definitely part of his personality, and most likely a way to catharsis. Good luck, I really encourage you to either follow the first advice, or this one.
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Now that I got kicked out of that kindergarten, I tried contacting a dozen therapists and another dozen other kindergartens
I had gotten one invite from a kindergarten, was there for a day, seemed nice. They told me I can go there 3 days a week starting in mid-December. I really looked forward to it for more than a month now. They had no other internships. 2 weeks ago, they asked my phone number and said they wanted to talk about something. Today, they called saying they reconsidered and I cannot go there because I had talked to one of the female parents too much. Their main intent is I should have some accompanying person that watches over me. It's the same bullshit as with the other kindergarten. It's not like I can "choose" to go to a kindergarten that offers someone who tells me what I should do. There are none. I'd rather just be on my own and be the way I am if it means I can stay away from this shitty trashy time-wasting life at home. But again, it seems I did something "wrong" or "not quite right" or whatever. Basicly, I'm getting punished for who I am. I told them on the phone, was talking with one of the parents wrong? Is it wrong being the way I am? Them: No, and I should keep being who I am, but.... (insert blah blah bullshit reasons here). @ Thread, I'm not into reading books. And let me tell you there have been many people trying to help me, suggest something to me or trying to give advice. Everyone has something different to say. In this thread or in RL. I never really feel like I want to try anything I'm told. My behavior usually turns people supportive of me into people unconcerned or in some rare cases, even into people hating me. I would like not to brush advice aside, but to be blunt, I think I need some help other than in the form of literature, art, philosophy or any field of study at all.
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Well,MUGG,here lies the challenge:we're an online community and we can't physically be there to get you to try something ourselves,all we do is suggest.We have no other tool for you. Maybe you should let the people present IRL do things their way in order to help you,for example,what's the problem with having someone watching over you in the kindergarten?In their point of view, it's a need for them.Wouldn't it be fair for you to give in to their practices so they can give in something too and let you work with them? Also focus on relating more to the people you want to work with,no employer wants an employee who's all into the client but not the company(should apply to a school as well )
I want all good TAS inside TASvideos, it's my motto. TAS i'm interested: Megaman series, specially the RPGs! Where is the mmbn1 all chips TAS we deserve? Where is the Command Mission TAS? i'm slowly moving away from TASing fighting games for speed, maybe it's time to start finding some entertainment value in TASing.
Editor, Expert player (2329)
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grassini wrote:
what's the problem with having someone watching over you in the kindergarten?In their point of view, it's a need for them.Wouldn't it be fair for you to give in to their practices so they can give in something too and let you work with them?
Sorry but there is a misunderstanding. It is that they can't offer someone watching me so I can't go there, period. And as far as I'm aware, I'm not eligible to have some kind of social worker watching me 40 hours in the week or whatever.
Also focus on relating more to the people you want to work with,no employer wants an employee who's all into the client but not the company(should apply to a school as well )
I was extra careful that everything I was doing on that one day was ok. I repeatedly asked the kindergarten staff if what I was doing was ok. I repeatedly asked the female parent if it was ok that I talked to her for the extended period of time. It's not like I pissed anyone off or didn't take into account their wishes. I think the parent confronted the kindergarten with questions (I don't even know precisely what she said) and in response to that, the kindergarten retracted their invite for me to come 3 days a week. What I talked about with the parent? Just about myself and my backstory. And apparently that was a no-go thing to do for the kindergarten. For WHATEVER reason ..... >_> I seriously don't get it. I wasn't being intrusive or frustrated or anything like that. I was just openly talking about myself. In my impression, we both were looking forward to me working in that kindergarten. She called me a nice person. Right now I feel really furious because I was looking forward to going there, if anything else fails (and things did fail) I still have this. But nope. This failed too. Nothing I can look forward to now. Basicly, lessons 1) If you try to play with the kindergarten children in the same way you observe from others, you get fucked. (Basicly what went down on September 28th) 2) If you try bonding with parents, you get fucked. 3) Anyone else can play with the children. But if you do it, see 1) 4) Anyone else can bond with the parents. But if you do it, see 2) 5) If you try to contact old good acquaintances, they don't want to hear a thing from you or they outright ignore you. 6) It is safe to assume that friends you make tomorrow will give you the cold shoulder the day after tomorrow.
Samsara
She/They
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MUGG wrote:
Basicly, lessons 1) If you try to play with the kindergarten children in the same way you observe from others, you get fucked. (Basicly what went down on September 28th) 2) If you try bonding with parents, you get fucked. 3) Anyone else can play with the children. But if you do it, see 1) 4) Anyone else can bond with the parents. But if you do it, see 2) 5) If you try to contact old good acquaintances, they don't want to hear a thing from you or they outright ignore you. 6) It is safe to assume that friends you make tomorrow will give you the cold shoulder the day after tomorrow.
Hey, welcome to how the world works. Here's some fun bits of crushing reality that I can at least spin into proper advice. 1) If people hate you, you will get called out for absolutely everything you do, even if you do everything right. People will go as far as to lie in order to make you look worse. 2) Bonding with people who hate you is impossible, regardless of whether or not you're working with them, for them, or under them. They will actively find ways to destroy you and stop at nothing until you are indeed destroyed. 3) and 4) People who hate you will always prefer other people who hate you, and in a case where everyone hates you, it's pretty fucking clear that said other people are going to be the ones that get away with everything. Follow their example all you want, it's not going to work. These people can also get away scot-free if they fuck you over, even if they're the ones ultimately doing the shittiest things possible in that situation. The world is basically a hivemind against you, and if you don't join the hivemind then you're just going to have a hell of a time. 5) and 6) Yes, even your "friends" are corrupted easily, even people who respected you at one point will lose all respect if the majority is against you. Believing you've befriended someone right after meeting them is the first mistake you make in a future failed friendship, because the reality is that everyone is selfish and will dump you when they're completely sure you serve no beneficial purpose to them. This always happens much sooner than you expect, even if you're expecting it in the first place. What I'm trying to get at is this: Drop the kindergarten stuff and move on. It's clearly a toxic environment that isn't going to welcome you back with open arms. They're shitty people from what you've been describing, and even if there are some nice memories, it's going to be so much better in the long run to step back. You'll look back on it in a year and know you made the right decision. Wanting to stick around because you like the kids is like joining the fucking military because your friends are in it. You may be around friends but the rest of it is going to be nothing but pain and misery. I'll be honest, here: This is pretty much nothing but an abusive relationship allegory at this point, and I'm saying this as someone who's been through an abusive relationship. They fucked up and you're blaming yourself for it. It's ultimately a manipulative act on their part that does nothing but make you feel worse and make them feel justified in their fucking atrocious behavior. You can't play into that trap, you can't focus on all the positives, you can't focus on how nice everything and everyone seemed at first. You have to be selfish here. You have to remind yourself how they wronged you. Pick yourself up, burn those bridges, step the hell away from that toxic environment and look for better people. This is the only reason I'm still alive right now. I could have chosen to remember all the good things that happened between me and my ex, but what would that have done for me? Oh, I know, it would have fucking destroyed my already fragile ego. Those memories would have told me nothing but "Look at all this wonderful stuff that YOU FUCKED UP YOURSELF, YOU FUCK-UP!" So I stopped doing that. I remembered the constant arguments, I remembered every time she told me she was only with me because she thought I'd kill myself if she left me, I remembered the actual death threats sent back and forth, all the times she told me I was faking depression for sympathy, every time she called me a useless sack of shit that she was embarrassed to be seen with... And I could finally just... hate her and everything about her. I completely stopped wanting to associate with that manipulative bitch who was really just using me in order to make herself look better in comparison. I actually started thinking more positively about myself in exchange. I felt freed, I felt like I was the one being wronged for once in my life. It was honestly a life-changing experience to realize that, hey, sometimes it's absolutely okay to be a selfish prick who can't blame themself for anything. As long as you're smart about it, you can be a wonderful, helpful, selfless person who's willing to make some personal sacrifices in order to accomplish their goals, while still primarily looking out for yourself and being able to recover easily once everything inevitably falls apart around you in this fucking dumpster fire of a world. At no point in your life should you ever have to feel like you need to change yourself to fit in with a group of people. Any time you feel like you need to actively change your personality or your ethics for a group of "friends", just do yourself a favor and leave them before they leave you. Keep looking until you find a group of friends who will accept you for who you are, because they're absolutely out there. Nobody's alone in the world. Not you, not me, not anyone else on or outside this site. Some people band together because they all like the same anime, some people band together because they're all part of a niche community, some people band together because they all hate one specific person. Hell, some people band together because they're just in the same room at the same time. Point is, you'll find where you belong as long as you keep searching for it. Just to summarize and wrap everything up, though: This kindergarten isn't where you belong. Fuck 'em. Channel out all the good memories and keep the hate. Thrive on it. Always blame them and never blame yourself for what happened, because it's not even remotely your fault. There's always going to be people who understand and support you... Like here, for instance. And, yeah. Just keep powering through. Stay strong. Each new day is progress, even if it doesn't feel like anything happened. The most important thing is living long enough to tell the world you're okay, and then living long after that as well.
TASvideos Admin and acting Senior Judge 💙 Currently unable to dedicate a lot of time to the site, taking care of family. Now infrequently posting on Bluesky
warmCabin wrote:
You shouldn't need a degree in computer science to get into this hobby.
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Joined: 6/30/2010
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I can agree with what Samsara said, I use the very same thing she suggests. Blame other people, blame the system, whatever it is, but don't let it come to yourself. You're better than they are, so fuck them. You may find that attitude to be arrogant, but I call it "positive arrogance", it's a way to protect yourself.
Current project: Gex 3 any% Paused: Gex 64 any% There are no N64 emulators. Just SM64 emulators with hacky support for all the other games.
Joined: 9/12/2014
Posts: 540
Location: Waterford, MI
I wouldn't say I'm "depressed" with my difficult situation, but I'm going through some difficult times too.. I have a trainer at my job to help me succeed and I find her very attractive and kind. I'm not allowed to spend time with her outside of work(unless I manage to convince her I don't need her "help" anymore with my job) in which I can do once it ever happens. Shes still not convinced, but I don't mind as I love spending the extra time as there's no other way of circumventing the "no outside contact with trainers" rule. I'm not the only one who works with her under training grounds, so its not like its "all about me" and I have to be respectful with not interrupting, making it limited on "interacting with her". I know people need to separate so they don't "get sick of each other" and its really not like I have to. I have found another way to circumvent the "no outside contact rule" by offering her another job where she can help me with my life at home. In which I feel would be more enjoyable and not feel so isolated as it would be me and her only. I have asked her about it in the morning and she said "sounds like a lot of fun while nodding her marking more agreement" and I lid up after hearing that. Later down the road she said she can't do it because of college. So I said we can just do it next year. But there's a problem with doing that.. If I don't find anyone interested in helping me at home through the same service that the desired trainer would have, I run the risk of losing it all together. So I had to find someone to "fill the void until shes done". Once that happens, replace the "fake worker" with the desired one. It may have an emotional effect on him as I'm basically saying "I'm gonna replace someone better than you". ..But is that really gonna happen? I asked her about doing it next year instead of assuming that she would. And she asked me if that "fake worker(not what she said, just being anonymous here) had started yet. And I said the hiring process seems to take longer than usual. Christmas break was around the corner so I thought it would be a good idea for her to "begin work slowly up until shes done with college" and she said she would ask the "fake worker" about it. But I have heard nothing yet of that.. So then, about 3 days ago as of writing this, her supervisor found out how excited I was about having the desired trainer to work with me with helping me around my house as no other way was found as I've been stuck with training grounds as she never criticizes me for what I do "wrong" giving me the distinct feeling that I don't need her supervision anymore. Her supervisor is the main person to make the decision on whether or not I need the service or not. I still don't understand why they're not convinced yet, but off that conversation. Just making it clear on why I'm still under training ground. Dunno. Anyways, her supervisor had feared that the desired trainer would "never" do it as shes "going through a lot". Full time job and full time college. I get that.. So then her supervisor asked her if she was going to do it. And she said "I don't think I am". And I just thought she was having a bad day which it seemed like she was. Like that for 2 days. The second day we talked about it at the end of the day with her supervisor and the desired staff admits she said she was interested in a guilty tone of voice as if it was wrong. All of the sudden, she then tells me right my face that she never said she was interested and will never do it with me ever. Never is a big word so there's still hope. She then claimed to have said "I might be able to do that" which is a lie and I didn't want to sit there and be like "yeah you did, no I didn't, yeah you did, no I didn't" no.. that will get me nowhere. Then her supervisor made the final statement with "I will never spend time with her outside of the workplace and only allowed to interact with her in the workplace" putting much emphasis on the word never. The next day, I was convinced she would skip a day just to avoid me. The last 2 days she avoided making contact with me and clearly didn't want to talk with me because she was having a bad day and didn't want to hear about future plans with all the "stress" she was dealing with. But this next day she paid a lot of attention towards me and seemed in a much better mood and made much more eye contact with me. I don't know if that's because she thinks I "got over it" that quickly or was trying to show me that she's not against me and is guilty about the day before. The next 3 days just got better and better.. no mention of the job offer though.. I don't know if should just "put up with the fake worker" and wait until the desired one comes and risk asking the aforementioned question, as the "fake worker" has more experience than the desired one who has no experience.. But may still be interested. Maybe they might be convinced I don't need their help before the end of the year..
Skilled player (1416)
Joined: 10/27/2004
Posts: 1978
Location: Making an escape
A hundred years from now, they will gaze upon my work and marvel at my skills but never know my name. And that will be good enough for me.
Active player (378)
Joined: 9/25/2011
Posts: 652
First, I want to say I'm sorry to hear the difficulties that MUGG and InfamousKnight are having. It's sad to know that you're going through some hard times. I hope they get better. This topic is about dealing with Depression, and so I thought write a post about that topic. I like to think of life as an RPG. In life, we start off at level 1. We have very few skills, very few abilities, our stats are low, our hit points are small. In the ideal world, we start to gain experience; we do quests, we practice our skills, we overcome our challenges and we level up. As we level up, we gain more abilities, are able to tackle harder challenges, and, as in many RPGs, we start to see the accolades of our progress, both in ourselves and from others. That's the ideal world. But how many RPGs really have a straight path to becoming a hero with no twists, turns, hardships or downfalls? Not many, or at least, not many that are interesting or worth playing. Usually the player encounters difficult beasts, meets people who double-cross them, suffers loss, and goes through environments that slow us down and push us back. This is normal in any RPG, and we expect it. We keep playing, we beat the beasts, we succeed in spite of those who backstab us, and we weather the storms, gaining more experience and coming out stronger and higher leveled than we went into it. That is what normal life is like. Unfortunately, there are some monsters out there that can inflict status effects on players. These are the most dangerous of monsters, traumatic encounters where, even if you beat the monster or run away from it, you are left to continue playing the game with two debilitating status effects. There are also environments that if the player is in them too long, they gain the debilitating status effects. The first status effect is a flat decrease to your stats; you can't run as fast, you can't hit as hard, you are more easily damaged. The second one constantly drains your energy, to the point where, no matter how much you try to heal, your energy bar is never full, and is always slowly draining. In Final Fantasy, these status effects are called 'Curse' and 'Poison'. In real life, the combination of these is called 'Depression'. Once you have these status effects, the RPG you were playing becomes much, much harder. The enemies you once were able to defeat easily now are huge challenges. The barriers you were once able to quickly overcome can become insurmountable. And because your stats are decreased, you are no longer able to access the good dialog tree options in the social cutscenes. It is still possible to win the game with those status effects, but the difficulty has increased dramatically. The game becomes frustrating, as you keep trying and failing to overcome challenges. You end up feeling left out because you miss key game cutscenes that non-cursed players get to experience. The game is no longer fun to play. I want you to imagine you're playing Final Fantasy (or some other RPG), and while playing, your character encounters one of these traumatic monsters or environments and becomes Cursed and Poisoned. Would you keep trying to beat the game with the status effects intact, charging head-long into the bosses that are ahead of you? Or would you look for a way to remove the status effects, regain your stats and restore your energy, before facing the next major challenge. I know some people would relish the challenge and choose the first option. Likewise, others continue on to the boss anyway, just because it seems like there are no other options (I've done this myself in the past). But through experience, I've found the game is much better played, and much more enjoyable, if you choose the second choice: to heal first. These status effects are, unfortunately, not temporary. They don't go away without some assistance. In a game, that would mean looking for a healer, a shop in the game where you can go and they take away negative status effects. Or, there are some shops that sell medicine that will remove negative status effects. I can tell you that in real life it's not as instantaneous as it is in games, in fact it takes time and patience, but it does work, and the right healer and/or the right medicine can successfully remove the negative status effect called 'Depression'. If you happen to be in a place in the game where neither the right healer nor the right medicine are close at hand, then you need to work your way to them. Seek out the healer or medicine, talk to the other characters in the game, they can point you in the right direction. On your way there, be careful of the monsters that you fight. Remember, you're weakened, so pick easier challenges to overcome. If you start to find yourself getting overwhelmed, that's a good sign that you're tackling a challenge that's too hard right now. Either avoid it, or get an in-game character to help. Finally, remember that this is a time for you to be taking care of you. Until you can heal up, don't try to save the world, or further the story, save the damsel or be the hero. As long as you have the statuses 'Curse' and 'Poison', your main quest should be to keep yourself safe and healthy enough to find a healer or medicine to remove them. Once they're removed, your energy will return quickly, but your stats will still be weakened. Your next quest is to regenerate your stats until they're back to full. (And while you're regenerating, you can use your new-found energy to hone your stats to make them even better!) Once you're back to full, then you're ready to face the next boss, overcome the next barrier or tackle the next big social cutscene. And because you're at full strength, you're very likely to succeed. From there, the game is yours to explore. :)
Editor, Expert player (2329)
Joined: 5/15/2007
Posts: 3933
Location: Germany
@Samsara, I will think about your advice. Unfortunately, there is not much alternative so if I were to indeed leave that place, I would probably end up stuck at home for months since all the other kindergartens I applied for declined and I'm not inspired to try anything else right now. My time at that kindergarten was probably the best time in my life - not exaggerating - up until September so I want to cherish it, not throw it away. What came after September is a different story; that up until now has been a desperate time. I had been yearning for things to go back to how they were. I kept asking when could I go there on days other than Friday, and they kept postponing, excusing, telling me "they need to discuss it" and "they need to discuss it again". So before I had read your post, I was already considering leaving the place. Last Friday before Christmas, all of them (and half of the parents) gave me Christmas presents, mostly sweets and chocolate. I was surprised, but it doesn't really mean anything to me. I did thank them and expressed that I wish I could have given something in return. Inside I felt empty about it, however. At the end of that day I asked yet again, will January be the time where I can come more often. And the answer "we need to discuss it". Leaving might be the best decision now, but I fear I will not be able to find alternatives (seeing as how I had not been able to find alternatives in the previous 3 months either). I might end up stuck at home and be seriously alone, not just mostly but completely. Maybe the better thing to do would be to take a(n extended) break? @c-square, interesting post. But I don't think the "life is an RPG" idea is something I can dwell on much. My life is seriously repetitive and not worth playing. With all the free time recently, every single day I mostly think what TASing or glitch hunting should I do to pass the time, but it's not fun to me. It's sickening to me the longer it keeps up. And Friday had been my little ray of hope which I look forward to all the time and where I can cheer up. I have tried to find a healer but have not been able to yet. The second therapist I tried was a complete asshole who kept insulting me and deemed me fine and able to get whatever I want, whether it was a girlfriend or friends or a hobby. What a good healer! I have a few things coming up in January and I will see how things go then. Up until then, it's just waiting and somehow passing the time. I spent Christmas with my parents but it didn't mean much to me. I'm not attached to my parents, I don't like them, I'm afraid of them. So it felt strange and uncomforting.
Active player (378)
Joined: 9/25/2011
Posts: 652
MUGG wrote:
interesting post. But I don't think the "life is an RPG" idea is something I can dwell on much. My life is seriously repetitive and not worth playing. With all the free time recently, every single day I mostly think what TASing or glitch hunting should I do to pass the time, but it's not fun to me. It's sickening to me the longer it keeps up. And Friday had been my little ray of hope which I look forward to all the time and where I can cheer up. I have tried to find a healer but have not been able to yet. The second therapist I tried was a complete asshole who kept insulting me and deemed me fine and able to get whatever I want, whether it was a girlfriend or friends or a hobby. What a good healer! I have a few things coming up in January and I will see how things go then. Up until then, it's just waiting and somehow passing the time.
I understand. The RPG analogy is what resonates with me, though I know it won't with everyone. The main point is that depression is a disease, just as much as diabetes, asthma, heart disease or arthritis. The problem is that most of the world doesn't acknowledge it as one, so people put pressure on sufferers (and sufferers on themselves) to just "look at the bright side" or to "get over it". It would be insane to suggest to someone with AIDS that they didn't need to see a doctor, or shouldn't take medication; that they should be able to cure themselves on their own. Yet that's what people do to depression sufferers all the time. What makes it worse is that even the medical community doesn't fully understand depression, which is why there are so many bad healers out there. I'm sorry to hear that you've encountered some. I highly encourage you to keep looking, don't give up. There are good ones out there who can give you the support you need. And when you find the right one, I can tell you, it makes all the difference in the world. I read your bio that you posted in the 'Life behind the Screen' thread. You are one remarkable person. I am amazed by how much adversity you have weathered, and how strong you have been to come through it. You have suffered a lot of loss, and going through the grieving process, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, can be one of the hardest things to do. To go through it multiple times in quick succession is many times harder, so my heart goes out to you. I was encouraged by two things you mentioned in your bio. First, is that you have known happiness recently. That you found joy in working with children says to me that there is joy in your heart, and if you found it before, you can find it again. The second thing that encouraged me was that you identified the worst time in your life, and that time is not now. That you've already passed through the deepest, darkest time of your life and have come through on the other side gives me hope that, even if it's a slow progression, or there are a few bumps along the way, things will continue to brighten for you. It also gives me hope that should you ever find yourself in a dark place again, you will know that it is just temporary, and that there is light on the other side of the tunnel. I wish you all the best in your struggles and in your life, especially with the things that are coming up in the new year. May you find what you need to be able to write your own script for your life.
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