I had been a child with challenging behavior due to my autism. We have a playground right behind our house where the children in our little commune would go to all the time. At before 7 years, I was not able to make friends with other kids my age. I caused mischief, kicked other kids, kicked their sandcastles and stole their soccer ball and ran away with it. I grew extremely afraid of the playground that I wouldn't want to go to that place behind my house even today. Or anywhere in my town at all really. For a very long time I had been afraid of being seen by anyone, whether they remember me or not. I was a lonely child with parents that didn't really plan on having me in the first place and a sister who was 8 years older than me. With my sister I had a so-so okay supporting relationship. I had visited a child psychiatrist on a regular basis.
I got enrolled in what is called Sonderschule (school for mentally handicapped children) for the first three classes. It was the first time I really got into contact with other kids. The female teacher would go against what had been the standing order at the time, and would pull us by our ears or even slap us. During break time there was almost always a battle going on. I can remember someone had raised me from the ground holding me on my throat with one hand. We beat each other with sticks. Very little guidance from the adults in that place. I later visited a day hospital for children and a school there that was under the same roof. I didn't really understand what was going on at the time. I did notice my mother became very serious at the time. I was threatened to leave my parents and live in a boarding school which I tried to avoid at all costs.
Not much later I was enrolled in
Realschule and a class later, in
Gymnasium, due to my behavior improving and my potential. I was mostly accepted in class, but was unable to form any deep friendships. It was mostly a struggle just dealing with the school homework and exams. And a struggle during break time where fights were going on; we threw at each other with paper, bottles, chairs. I was the one often initiating it and the others picked on me more often than not. When I went home, first thing I did usually was to be at the computer, browsing Youtube or whatever caught my interest, eventually leading me to TASvideos. Later on I started spending most of my spare time on random animations or TASing.
A girl had confessed her love to me, but I didn't really understand it at that time and she left me later. In my impression, she was someone who really just wanted to get in the bed with anyone. She started smoking. Prior to all this, I saw her crying over her bad grades and I blamed myself a lot for not helping her at all at that time. Things could have gone differently. My big sister has suddenly left the house and I only saw her for a little while afterwards. We kept in contact over email but this was the time when I became really silent in general. Then there was another girl whom I loved but never confessed to out of fear. I was so very different from everyone else, I was ugly and silent that I didn't build up enough courage.
My grades worsened, and then there was an incident with me basicly fucking up a math exam. I had noted down the starting time wrong so I was an hour late, noticed it and panicked. I had talked with the teacher who was supervising us during the exam and turned in the exam early, but got the worst grade for it anyway. I became seriously depressed but everyone else in class never really noticed. My grades were unbearably bad that I decided to redo the class, so suddenly I stopped seeing everyone; my class mates I had been seeing for 7 years. I had a facebook account at that time to keep in contact. I told my sister via email about my crisis but then we never really wrote each other anything anymore. I had been seeing a psychologist but he didn't help me much. I just ended up waiting at home for next class to start half a year later, and after it started, things were like before; I was accepted but never really got in deep contact with others. There was one girl who was important to me as a friend, and I regularly went to a place with her to take private lessons. Finals came along and I finished school.
Now in 2012, I suddenly was alone all over again. Facebook blocked my account because of my fake name. Since I didn't want to give my real name, I lost contact altogether. There was an accident shortly after, with me having a major seizure after I had looked at an animation on my computer. I felt motion-sick and couldn't read any letters for a week and for the next year, I had a recurring headache and became dizzy whenever I looked into bright light or projections. No neurologist or radiologist I visited could give me any diagnosis on this. I ended up just spending my time at home for a year and a half, alone. I started an education in computer science for which I had to move away and live on my own. I had diarrhea for about a month because I felt just so insecure and uncomfortable. Living on my own, I was not able to keep up a healthy standard. Just like had been the case in my room at home, now at that place trash was lying on the ground next to me, plates were stacked, fruits became moldy.
At that place, I was even more alone than before since I didn't even have my parents around anymore. In the school, I had once again been in a class environment but without anything deep going on. I was still the same silent person as before. The female teacher who taught us Java was nuts and everyone agreed; The way she taught us was very unforgiving. This along with some other subjects made me struggle a lot. If I had to say which was the worst time in my life, then I would say this was it. Somehow I managed to make it through. The second year of the education would entail 1-year internship at any computer-based business. I started sending my applications a bit late, but in time to get about a dozen job interview invitations. No business wanted to take me in the end. Thanks to my parents looking for a business for me themselves back in my hometown, I could continue the education although I was not compensated for my work. Pretty much all my classmates were paid $500-$1000 a month while I got nothing. This was very frustrating for me and I was really unmotivated to work 8 hours each day for no gain other than a headache from sitting in a bright room and having to work down all the mostly pointless, monotonous and not even programming-related tasks given to me. My headache and eye situation worsened but we couldn't really figure out what it was. The school year and internship year have not been completely in vain, at least. I did learn a few things and met a few nice people during the time.
By the end of the internship, I was somewhat burned out, but more importantly, hopeless and depressed again (like I had regularly been ever since my school time when my sister left). It was so bad, my parents urged me to interrupt the education to undergo therapy at a psychosomatic clinic. Over the course of three months, I had spent most of my time not on the computer anymore but in a "normal" living room environment with other people. Not very far into this time of my life, I got really attached (I didn't think of it as love yet) to a girl I had met there, although she was quite a bit older than me. She finished her own therapy and left so I was in a mixture of hopeless and heartbroken for quite a long time. She was an angel to me; there was so much kindness in that person that I decided to write her a long letter as a parting gift. I only saw her again a month later on the street but then we lost touch. It had turned out she was already in a relationship.
Since facebook blocked me, I had always wanted to somehow get in contact with my former classmates. I tried calling and writing a letter to the girl I had 3 years ago taken private lessons with, just asking what she's been up to. I got a message from not even her phone saying she is not interested, but the way it was written made it feel like I was a stalker to her. I seriously didn't expect to get such a cold message back, and I was feeling frustrated about this for a long time.
Soon after older girl I had felt attached to left the hospital, someone from the stationary part of the clinic switched over to the day hospital; a girl that I also fell in love with, surprisingly but for everyone else, unbelievably. She was a rash and puzzled young girl who was my age. The time I spent with her went to a point where there was something more going on than just a friendship, or so I thought. She did tell me at the time "year sure you can come by my house any time". Later on, since she was going to leave the hospital before me, I was trying to talk to her about how we keep in touch. She was very difficult to find access to, especially for me who struggled with social fear as it was. She was aware that I was attached to the girl that left before, so outright confessing love would have been unbelievable and strange. When I did get a hold of her and talked with her, despite what happened between us before, despite her "yeah sure", she said to me I'm not a friend of hers. I'm just an acquaintance. When she leaves, it's going to be over. She is going to move away in a few months anyway so what would be the point of trying to keep in touch. I was never so heartbroken in my life. I just started walking back and forth from the hospital that day and looked into the forest for what felt like hours. The final come together, where we usually sit together and talk about how we feel and what happened during the day before we leave for home - I didn't attend it. I continued just walking through the forest, the others found me but I walked by them. I sat behind the hospital in the yard until it turned dark until someone approached me two hours later and said I should talk with the senior doctor or whoever. He talked at me for a few minutes and I didn't say anything back except something along the lines of society just fucks you over no matter what you do. I ran out and into one of the hospital bedrooms and cried there for another hour before heading home by myself at night. That was when I started
this thread.
I earned myself a warning from the clinic, should something like this happen again I'm dismissed. I somehow recovered from all this shit. With the therapists I had been seeing during my hospital stay, I had mostly discussed my relationship to the two girls at school and the two girls at the hospital. It felt like I was wasting the precious therapy time on what I deemed was something rather trivial instead of trying to fix my life and my shitty lifestyle. My main therapist left and I was assigned to a new one, so I had to start at square one. I felt like he was worse; I didn't make much progress with him. In fact, I didn't make progress with him at all. By the end of my hospital stay, he gave me a few numbers and addresses I should call or visit. One place I had visited, I sat there in the waiting room for an hour until I decided to stand up and leave. The number and any other papers he gave to me, I never bothered with them because it was difficult for me to get it done. I expressed my dream to work at a kindergarten so after the clinic time I focused on finding a kindergarten where I could complete an
FSJ. The one I had visited was a nature-based, outdoor one and so it was a really good scenario for me. I could be in the sunlight and exercise in the open air. I had never interacted with children before but slowly I could form a good friendship with all of them. I was attached to a few children especially, since they had something innocent and depending about them and I loved being there for them and guide them. It was good to have something to do every day as opposed to being at the computer and just passing the time with whatever. Looking back at it, it was the best time in my life. I was content and happy in my heart. The adults were mostly supportive to me although the female supervisor (whom I otherwise get along with nicely) was angry at me because I hadn't tried to look for a therapist, which was apparently necessary - although I can't fully remember why. The kindergarten staff had wanted for me to find a hobby and just do something outside of the kindergarten. Apparently I was feeling depressed at some times.
The clinic-appointed advisor who guided me to this kindergarten in the first place has convinced me I could just do a 1-year regular and paid internship rather than the FSJ. So I ended up not doing the FSJ, but after struggling with the job center it turned out such an internship is not going to be financed by them. I got fucked over. And someone else, a woman a bit younger than me, came along and is now doing the FSJ. End of August this year, the female group leader left and a new one came, someone I could not get along with well. We had misunderstandings all over the place. I was frustrated to not get paid for my work and being assigned work not related to the children (such as watering flowers). In her eyes, the children were too much out of control whenever I did play with them (such as when I play catch with them). Eventually an incident on the 28th September led to me basicly getting thrown out without me understanding the reasons. All the reasons they ever gave me have been based on the misunderstandings, such as the group leader telling me to do something, and I pretend not to do it to mess with the children, and I actually do it but the leader thinks I'm not, or I'm not doing my work properly (the flowers had not been watered, although I had always watered them whenever I was ordered to do it). Since then, I could only go there on Fridays.
A day before the incident, on the 27th September we had a festival and I was very happy to talk with all the staff and watch over the children that had come. On the next day it suddenly all turned into darkness and I'm left to wonder why they do this to me. Everyone I love and trust just fucks with me so I have again had
suicidal thoughts. The time right after this "lock-out" was unbearable. I had cried, especially during the night because I kept dreaming of the children and how they want to show me something or wanted to give me something. It feels like they have died. I'm never going to see them again. I could never really make friends in my childhood and now that I can make precious bonds with people, it falls apart. It was unbearable at a particular night, that I had to wake up my father so he could drive me to the city hospital because I was seriously losing it. I was unreasonable. I stayed there, talked with people, went home by myself at noon. And the following months until now, I just somehow spent my time at the computer while feeling like shit and ended up going to the kindergarten on Fridays. My relationship to the staff had not completely broken. I talked about it with all of them and it is mended, more or less, but it's a disturbed relationship. I never was as carefree as I was before. I had been trying for them to give me a second chance and have tried to show them I want to do the extra tasks and be reasonable with the children. But they keep postponing and excusing, that I was considering leaving the place after all. But then I would be at home non-stop which would be even worse.
I have tried finding alternatives, but only one other nature-based kindergarten invited me for a day. It went well and they planned for me to start working in December. In the middle of December, they called and took back their offer, on the note I talked with one of the parents too much (about my past and the current happenings and that I'm glad I can continue working in that kindergarten now). The parent I talked to, I had made sure it was ok for her to talk this much. She always signaled and said back it is fine, I was a nice guy, etc. I didn't understand the reasoning they gave me at all. The phonecall ended, and I was extremely furious. I had looked forward to working there and I can't because of another bullshit reason.
People from my day hospital I had been meeting during monthly get-togethers would stop contacting me, so the get-togethers never happened or I was not informed on the details. A girl whom I was friends with, we planned on meeting but she kept postponing or just never messaged back. We ended up ending our friendship. The two therapists I had visited since the lock-out, one was not helpful and the other was an asshole.
I'm basicly left at home since nobody wants to do anything with me. I dedicate most of my time luascripting, TASing or just passing the time until the Christmas holidays are over so I could get at least my one day out of the week back. Although, due to the postponing behavior of the kindergarten staff (and actually due to the lock-out to begin with), the only sane decision would be to stop going to that place. I'm not sure what's going to happen now.
I had emailed my sister shortly after the lock-out, after 10 years of no contact, just asking what has she been up to. She was quite negative. She critized me for never messaging again after my school crisis. And overall she was non-personal, only giving little information on her life.
