"Genuine self-esteem, however, consists not of causeless feelings, but of certain knowledge about yourself.
It rests on the conviction that you — by your choices, effort and actions — have made yourself into the
kind of person able to deal with reality. It is the conviction — based on the evidence of your own volitional
functioning — that you are fundamentally able to succeed in life and, therefore, are deserving of that success."
- Onkar Ghate
Bisqwit wrote:
So after months of waiting, the kindergarten now allows me to come two days a week, which seems to be way better. The past week I was really happy to see the children again, some of them missed me a lot. There is another kindergarten that invited me. And I might pick up babysitting jobs and start going to driving school (second attempt). You'd think things would be looking up.
But I still feel troubled. When I go to that kindergarten, I always see photos from events I missed out on, ice-skating, a visit to a baker, etc. I still have all the reason to just stop going there. After all, communication failed so hard and there is little empathy. I came there to start a voluntary year (FSJ) and now someone else is doing it while I'm at home most of the time for reasons I don't understand to this day.
But I can't leave. I feel attached to the children. It would break me if I can't see them anymore. I don't know how to let go. I don't want to let go. I started a habit of going in the bathroom, sitting down in a hot shower and just crying there while thinking about the past year. The past year had a lot of people leaving me behind for all stupid reasons. I got my hopes up for a lot of things and they all failed. I'm going to have to try a third therapist.
There is more to this whole story. I wanted to take baby steps in 2017, but I can't even do that. I have tried to ignore this, but my parents want me to move out pretty much as soon as possible. I'm alone in this world. Everyone abandons me. Even my parents. My sister.
I have lived alone for longer than some tasvideos visitors have lived period.
I wish I could give you some advice on how to cope with it, but it's hard to give advice on a problem when I haven't even solved myself. But just wanted you to know that you are not alone with that problem. Depressing pun semi-intended.
Joined: 2/28/2006
Posts: 2275
Location: Milky Way -> Earth -> Brazil
MUGG wrote:
There is more to this whole story. I wanted to take baby steps in 2017, but I can't even do that. I have tried to ignore this, but my parents want me to move out pretty much as soon as possible. I'm alone in this world. Everyone abandons me. Even my parents. My sister.
"Genuine self-esteem, however, consists not of causeless feelings, but of certain knowledge about yourself.
It rests on the conviction that you — by your choices, effort and actions — have made yourself into the
kind of person able to deal with reality. It is the conviction — based on the evidence of your own volitional
functioning — that you are fundamentally able to succeed in life and, therefore, are deserving of that success."
- Onkar Ghate
Bisqwit wrote:
Please understand that whenever I post in this thread, it's not necessarily going to be about me asking for your help and asking for your understanding. But in some cases - such as right now - it's going to be just about me telling my thoughts. I'm telling a story. And so I would like to use this thread to keep doing so, until maybe one day I can be healed. This doesn't mean that I don't appreciate each and every piece of your advice. I'm struggling to actually use your advice, but I still want to thank you for it.
This is in reply to Guga, who advised me to read a few certain books he listed. I feel like it belongs in this thread more than in does as a private reply.
„I started to read a book - Probably not because of people advising me to, but because I somehow gained motivation to do it -, but none of the ones you listed. It was Nicholas Sparks' A Walk to Remember. I found it while still in the day clinic and acquired a copy, but never got around to reading it until now. It was the first book I read out of my own volition. It is incredibly sad, but I felt a little more alive after I finished it. It makes me feel like I want to participate in life, but I still don't really know the things I could do. I keep on fighting and keep doing the little things that I can, but overall I'm filled with regret.
I regret that I couldn't be the person I am now, 10 years ago. If I was 16 again and started going to a kindergarten then, and was more open and more intellectual then, things would have turned out better, I might have made some strong friendships by now and I might have been content at heart. But when looking back at the time, instead I feel I've been wasting my time, I've been told to do things I didn't want to do, I was alone and I'm still alone right now with maybe a handful people contacting me once every half year.
When I travel through town these days (by bus, train or when walking), I see thousands of people. I often feel like there are too many people and there is too little space for everyone. I see groups of friends, couples and the like, and in a way, I'm always jealous of them. I dream about having a partner, my own family, and having a job that I'm passionate about. I'm thinking how can I achieve this? I often think, I will never achieve those things because time keeps running and I'm not getting anywhere really. To be honest, I'm where I was 10 years ago. Yes, I did overcome hardships and learned a few things, but I mean in terms of money, job, material, people I have not gotten far at all.
Those have been my thoughts at this moment.“
That being said, it's looking like I will go to a day clinic again in a few months, maybe the same one I've been to. I can't say I want to.
I'm only doing it because everything failed; No other kindergarten wants me and the two that invited me, rejected me. There doesn't seem to be a therapist for me at the moment. I'm sitting at home 5 days out of 7 each week.
When I think about my future, I think about how I ended up where I am now. The kindergarten I'm still visiting now, now two days a week, still with mixed feelings but also with a great amount of happiness. I just think I could be going there five days a week and be completely content, if I hadn't been fucked over and gotten talked out of it by my advisor. I often feel like this current year is one year that has been wasted.
"Genuine self-esteem, however, consists not of causeless feelings, but of certain knowledge about yourself.
It rests on the conviction that you — by your choices, effort and actions — have made yourself into the
kind of person able to deal with reality. It is the conviction — based on the evidence of your own volitional
functioning — that you are fundamentally able to succeed in life and, therefore, are deserving of that success."
- Onkar Ghate
Bisqwit wrote:
I feel anxious and frustrated whenever my guardian (gesetzlicher Betreuer) visits us, like today. It's a bit difficult to explain, but basicly, as he explains, I'm considered incapable of doing working hours. I'd need someone looking after me. I should do therapy and then do more therapy and get an education. It's basicly people telling me what to do all over again. And I don't want to do that same mistake and waste my life on shit I don't want to do.
When I told my father what I would really like to do - trying the voluntary year (FSJ) again - he called it "snoozing around". My guardian called it meaningless and that I might not even be permitted to do it, since I'm considered incapable in their systems. Things were going shit as is, relatively speaking. people whom I thought of as friends leaving me in the dust, girls breaking my heart, my parents being shit role models, my sister, etc.
Whatever. Looking back at some of those things, I can laugh about it.
My mother keeps picking a fight with me every day over random shit, and keeps shifting circumstances to her liking and to her favor. I was actually thinking she is in dire need of a therapy more than I. Speaking of which, I've been feeling pretty stable lately. Back in October I used to cry pretty much every day over the kindergarten incident, but the things calmed down and I'm as happy as ever to go visit there. I started contributing my own ideas and creativity and I come along with everyone nicely. It's going better than a few months ago.
I don't think I should have to visit a day hospital again, after all I don't feel depressed (at least not at the moment). But I have to do it since it's been made a condition so I keep getting financial support.
I'm basicly going to try it and if it sucks, I cancel it. I imagine that I'll make it pretty clear to everyone that this whole therapy thing is against my intentions and my will. I don't want a repeat of what happened before - I make friends with everyone and they leave me 2 months later - I fall in love with girls and they break my heart - I have hour long talks with my therapists that don't understand me and that don't get me anywhere.
Speaking of therapists, I haven't tried any new one since I met that asshole last December... I just did not want to bother trying to meet even more assholes or useless therapists, at least for the time being.
Basicly, I'm still a lonely person with zero very little support and other people are destroying my plans to some extent.
Joined: 2/28/2006
Posts: 2275
Location: Milky Way -> Earth -> Brazil
really important
"Genuine self-esteem, however, consists not of causeless feelings, but of certain knowledge about yourself.
It rests on the conviction that you — by your choices, effort and actions — have made yourself into the
kind of person able to deal with reality. It is the conviction — based on the evidence of your own volitional
functioning — that you are fundamentally able to succeed in life and, therefore, are deserving of that success."
- Onkar Ghate
Bisqwit wrote:
I'm not sure what to learn from this picture...
But I'm happy to tell you I'm not currently in a depressed state. I'm actually in the middle of participating in life, trying to organize my future, and overall opening up to people more.
I still go to that kindergarten. It's that one place where I feel accepted and can grow and be in a social and healthy environment. I'm worried about it coming to a close this summer because of what that would involve: I suddenly stop seeing all the kids and people I bonded with. I stop having that kindergarten life (going there 8:00 and leaving 13:30 and having the best time of my life inbetween). There is a lot of danger and risk that I could fall back to being depressed. But there is also a lot of hope that I could find this peace again sometime in the future. It's still more than 3 months before this will happen.
I have also recently thought about starting to write a book about this kindergarten life. Everything I had experienced there, the ups and the downs, especially the time when I fell into depression last September, but also the time how I slowly made it back and look forward to a bright future (at least from where I'm standing right now).
Good to hear you are heading towards a better life, MUGG. As for the picture, it's suppose to be somewhat satire of the somewhat truth that overly positive people are as not helpful as overly negative people. Aka both are "toxic".
I'm worried about [the kindergarten] coming to a close this summer ...
There's a program in the U.S. called Big Brother Big Sisters, and I'm wondering if there's a similar program in your country. It's about being a mentor to at-risk or underpriviledged kids ages 6-17. You spend one or two days a week one-on-one with a child and just hang out (go to park, movies, events, etc...) and being a good role model.
@WarHippy, I'm not interested, sorry.
---
Looks like things are going in a bad direction...
Back in February, I was interested in working another voluntary year in a kindergarten (only, for real this time). I focused on the nature-based ones again, of which there are about a dozen. I sent out applications in March and started phone calling people. Some said they aren't sure if it's going to work out, others said they aren't offering it (anymore), and one invited me for a day. But in the end, there is nothing.
Everyone rejected me.
And my parents, my advisor, and the kindergarten I currently still visit, they all say I should go to rehab again, and for 4 months this time. For my own sake. So I can get paid for doing nothing. Because I'm not fit for the outside world. After all, everyone rejected me 'for a reason'.
The fuck?
This, plus the fact that I'm not going to take it so well when my kindergarten time ends... I think it looks like I will have to deal with depression again very soon. I don't have too fond memories of the hospital I've been to already. And I don't think I will enjoy this new hospital either. I wanted to make something of myself. But I can't be assed if nobody supports me or never accepts me, for whatever reasons.
The alternative would be to start an education again, but I'm way too late so I won't get accepted to start in September 2017.
Tldr: I tried to get my shit together, but everyone else is unsupportive so I have to go to rehab again.
Usually when I'm depressed it's hard to get back in a good mood. The way I am, what with having Aspergers since I was three, my depression doesn't just temporarily go away like most people's does; nine out of ten the cause of my depression is something that's about to happen to my family or something similar to me specifically and I know that unless there's some sort of solution to it there's not much I can think positive about. If I was normal I could just take some medicine my doctor prescribed me and start tap-dancing or something but unfortunately in my case it's not that simple. Of course, as with all depression cases there's different ways to cope with it, lots of which don't always work. For one, obviously when I need to take my mind off it I just do a practice TAS or something but if it's a long game or something and I'm sitting there just drawing button press after button press in TAStudio or something, the piano roll just feels more like a chore than the semiautomatic programming of a game and I just kinda have to walk away and sleep it off or something. If it weren't for UltraHypnosis on YouTube it wouldn't be so easy for me to go to sleep every night and forget about it all.
You guys have no idea how powerful a pair of spirals inside each other is.
A wise man once said "Damn, that's one hell of a steak."
Got another rejection from a kindergarten telling me I wasn't active or participating enough. The thing is, the one visit day, I participated 100% and asked people whether they needed help, and talked to the children the whole day. I don't buy those reasons.
Same shit as what happened in January when I was "day dreaming" when in reality I was watching the children (one turned around at the breakfast table all the time, for instance, while one of the adults kept talking at me without addressing me by name so I didn't know I was being talked to). I sincerely doubt I have a condition where I can't judge my own actions or state of mind, so I think this was a huge misunderstanding.
Ok, those two (and then some) rejected me, whatever. For stupid reasons that don't make sense to me. What pisses me off is certain people in my life using this to justify I need to go to rehab and "work on myself" and "prepare" for the outside world. Yeah, no. I don't want to go through the same ordeal like in 2016 again. And "prepare" for people that come up with shit reasons to deny me. I want to do something, but I can only do that if people let me.
The next two weeks there are more visit days and I will see if it works out. If it doesn't, might as well give up all hope and become a depressed fuck. Since that's what people in my real life want me to be... I will keep fighting in those next weeks to prevent this.
Joined: 2/28/2006
Posts: 2275
Location: Milky Way -> Earth -> Brazil
well at least we know he's done
"Genuine self-esteem, however, consists not of causeless feelings, but of certain knowledge about yourself.
It rests on the conviction that you — by your choices, effort and actions — have made yourself into the
kind of person able to deal with reality. It is the conviction — based on the evidence of your own volitional
functioning — that you are fundamentally able to succeed in life and, therefore, are deserving of that success."
- Onkar Ghate
Bisqwit wrote:
First off, I don't want anyone on this site here to worry about me. Sometimes I post on a whim something that's unclear and may be interpreted as suicide/emergency situation, but this has never been the case.
I'm still at my place. But I can't get along with my parents, or my mother to be exact. My mother shouts at me every other day for no real reason. She has some kind of personality disorder (that's what I speculate) and easily loses her mind over something trivial. Yesterday she called for me at 8:00 am saying it's over, she is done with me, etc. In the evening it was mostly calmed down situation again.
As for my future endeavors, I tried 90% of things and they failed, like I explained, for whatever reasons. The remaining 10% of things I doubt will work out. I don't want to go to rehab, waste one year, meet people and lose them again all over again, become a depressed fuck all over again, and have this time of life in my resumé. I already had the impression my depression background lost me chances, so if I spend another year, people will perceive me as even more unstable than they already have. Most of all, I don't want to go to rehab. Why do people not try to support me with my endeavors? Instead they try to shoehorn me into this rehab year, no questions asked.
As my fight for my future continues, today was another one of those days where I had to face a lot of frustration and denial and reflected upon my past (failed) endeavors.
I don't even want to go into the details too much this time, but let's just say I lose faith in humanity a bit each day. I cannot grasp the reasons why I'm getting rejected practically everywhere I try to apply. I talked about it with someone, and that call ended in a heated argument where he accused me of shit I never did, and of interrupting him all the time (after he did the same to me), and he basicly said I was an annoying person.
Okay!
Assholes, assholes everywhere!
Really, often when I walk through the city, I see there are just way too many people everywhere. The troubles and the meaning of one single person become so insignificant. I'm thinking they all probably live happy lives, while I'm walking here having to deal with these problems alone and still caged in my parents' home and my incapability to get my shit together. The thing is when you feel depressed or when you're alone, it becomes extremely difficult to do something. It makes me feel like I'm not important, after all I'm almost alone, so why even bother cleaning after myself, why even bother dealing with certain things, why even bother trying to go to a club and get to know new people (last time I tried that it wasn't a very good experience...)
I'm growing more and more likely to fall back into depression. I don't want this to happen, but it looks like there isn't anything I can do to prevent it from happening.
Things are falling apart now, and with them, my sanity.
MUGG, I do not have advice for your specific situation, but I can offer my heartfelt empathy. I am going through similar hardships in my life and I'd be happy to discuss that through PMs if you'd like. (I don't particularly want to discuss things here because I think it's a bit too much to unload at once and I don't want to draw people's attention away from others' problems.)
I think it's great that you're still fighting! (Your word, not mine.) As long as you still have the desire to better yourself, there's still hope. Since you've been vague about how you're fighting, I can't really weigh in with my thoughts, except I'll say in general that you may benefit from reflecting on what terms you're fighting these battles. For example, if you are responding to perceived slights by lashing out at people, that is almost certainly counterproductive. Again, without knowing specifics, I can't say anything beyond, "Think about how you're fighting."
One section of your post stuck out to me, however:
MUGG wrote:
Really, often when I walk through the city, I see there are just way too many people everywhere. The troubles and the meaning of one single person become so insignificant. I'm thinking they all probably live happy lives, while I'm walking here having to deal with these problems alone and still caged in my parents' home and my incapability to get my shit together. The thing is when you feel depressed or when you're alone, it becomes extremely difficult to do something. It makes me feel like I'm not important, after all I'm almost alone, so why even bother cleaning after myself, why even bother dealing with certain things, why even bother trying to go to a club and get to know new people (last time I tried that it wasn't a very good experience...)
This paragraph-- especially the part I've put in bold-- is the clearest indication to me that you are currently depressed, not simply falling back into depression. I don't know if there is a psychological term for this kind of state of mind, but to me, it is a textbook indication that someone is in a desperately depressive state. I think you should watch this video:
Link to video
All of it is good, but in particular, I'd like to draw your attention to the section beginning at 1:38, where he reflects on the people passing by who seem to be doing fine and thinks that no one cares about him. I've been through enough depressions myself and seen others go through similar episodes to recognize that depression goes hand-in-hand with the mindset, "Look at all these happy people around me who don't give a shit!" Part of me wonders if this might be a defining characteristic of depression.
Anyway, that is bullshit! I perceive that there are a tremendous number of people in the world who are, one the whole, simply unhappy. They don't necessarily wear their state of mind as a badge on their sleeve. Ask yourself if other people walking past you would recognized that you are a depressed or unhappy person. My guess is that they wouldn't be able to tell. If that's the case, why should you assume that the people you walk past are generally happy?
Western culture, for better or worse, has fostered an environment where it is very difficult to open up with others and admit that you are suffering. I think that's characterized our culture (Western European, North American, and East Asian) for centuries and is further exacerbated by social media such as Facebook, which exposes us to only the highlights of everyone else's lives while we are forced to live through the behind-the-scenes footage of our own lives. I don't think it's a coincidence that you are reaching out to us on a forum where you can remain anonymous rather than directly reaching out to your friends and family. (And if you are reaching out to your friends and family, I'd wager that they are unwilling to support you for the cultural reasons I outlined above.)
So I think that a sizable minority or perhaps even a majority of people out there are just unhappy in some way or another. That's unfortunate and comes with its own problems, yet I urge you to have the proper perspective when thinking about your lot in life. You're hurting, and even though a random passerby is unlikely to commiserate directly, they probably feel more like you than you would typically imagine them to.
I'll take this opportunity to get just a little bit preachy. There are too many people in the world. They are putting a strain on our natural resources, our economies are rapidly shifting away from manufacturing and development and towards services and bureaucracy, leaving us feeling unfulfilled, and our political representation is being strained by high populations. I don't have any silver bullet solutions for the big-picture problems that lie ahead, but I urge everyone to not pass on the pain. Do not bring children into this world if they are likely to lead miserable lives. I think it would be good if most people had zero children (not even one), but for a more practical solution, I encourage everyone reading this to think about the number of children you would like to have and then subtract one from that number. Reduce the strain on our resources and stop the chain of misery.
@Bobo, thank you for your post.
I do always appreciate it when you interpret something I wrote.
You are welcome to PM me and talk about anything.
I will try to write up a response, but it's a little difficult to sum up my emotions and perceptions in words.
I'm aware the "everyone else is doing fine" mindset doesn't really hold much weight. The problem is I'm alone and I walk through town and see all these families, and they're visibly having a great time. It makes me feel envious. I'd like to have people around me to go do something, go to the movies, go ride a boat across the river, or just relax and talk. I'd like to have a partner. But I'm still alone. Not as much as I used to be, I met new people that are willing to listen to me and spend time with me. And those are mutual and healthy relationships. It's not much but it's more than what I used to have a few years back. I just wish I was further ahead. I see time pass and I move from one chapter in my life to the next and the problems remain.
I really, really tried to find a place to work a voluntary year next year and I ultimately failed. I feel like a loser. Someone whom nobody likes. I tried to look for reasons and I can see that they might be with me. Some places simply don't see me fit in with their team. Some other places had other good reasons. And then there are, as I perceive it, places that had bullshit reasons. E.g. I refuse to get told that I was daydreaming when in reality I was just minding that one kid who wouldn't turn around at the table while one of the adults apparently kept talking at me repeatedly without addressing me by name - How am I supposed to know she was talking to me? And there are more stories like that. And that asshole I talked with yesterday on the phone.
In the end, at least I can say that I tried.
And due to past experiences, I think I can cope with losses better than before.
That isn't to say that I'll be fine, once that internship at that kindergarten I'm still going to ends end of July. I will probably go through a lot of pain when I have to see all these children go that I've spent time with for over a year. I just wish I could have worked another year, even if it was in a different place. Now my options are going (back) to school or rehab. And neither of those are optimal.
As for your last paragraph, I agree with it but it's more a problem related to society as a whole - similar to how I think one vote in politics doesn't matter so I'm not voting. I think the larger the population becomes, the more severe society-problems such as depression become. And as I said, the troubles of one person become less significant. More people means more competition, which means more people on the losing end. But I'm just rambling here; it's not a topic I'd like to dwell on much more.
1MUGG,my guess is that every place you go to work at simply checks previous experiences and gets your bad rep reminded at the most simple mistake of yours.
2Your mother is an asshole,that's as clear as water.It's not uncommon for people simply to be unreasonable,I'd know because my father lashes out on other people for no reason when anything happens to him,including me.I kinda soften the blow by knowing that whatever he complains about is not the real issue.Having said that, I'm just gonna say it right away.
STOP FIGHTING!That's the only way I found peace,sadly it's all you can do if you depend on these old people,they'll never learn and you get nothing with a confrontation,it's simply not sustainable to go against them.I'll repeat:
YOU CAN'T WIN BY CONFRONTATION,this is actually an opportunity for you to test your social skills by trying ANY OTHER FUCKING METHOD of solving the situation besides FIGHTING AND AVOIDANCE.That's basically what i learned at the start of the year and i've never been happier.I have no job,no girlfriend,making zero money,no prospects of getting any of these in the immediate time,i'm just studying finances and working out at the gym and taking care of my sick mom ocasionally and it's been a wonder.
Other measures that made my life better is deleting the facebook's feed(i did it manually for everyone in my friendlist), going to therapy and working out.In fact,nowadays i kinda feel like a genius for having so many good ideas.Good luck, and if you feel like any of these helped,i'm glad to have told you of them.
Tl;Dr: Confrontation is only the last resort,so avoid it like the plague.
TAS i'm interested:
megaman series: mmbn1 all chips, mmx3 any% psx glitched
fighting games with speed goals in general
