Did you know this game existed? Neither did I! This is the first piece of information the internet has ever seen on this game that can't be found on the title screen. Since approximately zero of you will be familiar with this game, I've decided to jot down a few notes as I rewatch my run.

Notice that excellent control? Taking jumping lessons from the Belmonts, one frame of the jump button will send you flying upward uncontrollably. The other thing that's noticeable is that quite a few shots can be on the screen at once (12).

CLIMB THE LADDERS FASTER YOU BUM. You can't jump on them, and you can't fall more than one ladder rung before you die in a hilarious manner (seriously, wait til level 2).

A worm. Controls for aiming shots suck so bad that no explanation could convince you that my inoptimal looking shots are optimal. This applies to pretty much every boss from here to when you stop watching the movie in Level 3. The prize for slaying this invertebrate is a new blue gun that shoots faster - completely useless for a TAS except that it is required to get through some walls. Maybe this wall is made of BENZEDIUM?

Two bosses in this level. And every level. Notice how here, they are 2 different creatures! Pretty neat, eh? Don't worry, that won't happen again.

Each level has an overhead segment. I thought these parts were going to be awful to watch, but they actually end up being some of the cooler parts. Each block can give a powerup if manipulated, and so I grab super-speed and invincibility as much as possible. The big downside is a Zelda-like (but not quite as constant) annoying low-energy beep. Why the developers thought that this was necessary on the overhead segments, and not the other styles of play, is beyond me.

Music is a little better here, and a new level theme. Some nearly-Altered-Beast-level-of-retarded-looking enemies inhabit this level, and there is a lot of on-foot traveling, which makes it faster to die after bosses instead of returning to the vehicle on foot, even though it starts you back at the beginning of the level.

You see that our storm-trooper-in-orange-sweats hero has the same jumping height, and lack of control of that height, as his vehicle. Makes sense to me! And oh yes, you did just see the main character's body parts detach, explode, and bounce around hilariously shortly after the first boss in this level. Don't worry if you didn't make a savestate beforehand, there are more deaths on the way.

Music's getting annoying by now. The first boss gave a vest which allows passage through electricity to the second boss, which will give a drill that allows passage to the next level. What fun and very useful abilities!

The second boss is just lazy. They may as well have put Scorpion and Sub-Zero. The overhead segment is pretty cool, though.

The music is terrible. Turn your speakers off. It only gets good during one part in the middle, around 34300, and I shoot with the tune anyway. The level is a fire-theme, and is probably the longest level in the game.

You have to kill this first boss to get a dark visor because the next room entered will stop Jason (apparently that's his name!) because it's "too bright". Yeah, we got us a tough guy here. Also, very prepared. Giant uncontrollably jumping tank? Check. Dark visor in case it's REALLY REALLY HOT AND BRIGHT UNDERNEATH THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH? Well, they were a bit pricey at Lowe's. Also I don't know what this boss is supposed to be, or his twin brother later in the level. A big, floating, armored...beetle? I doubt whoever designed this pile even knew. The designers were approaching the legal limit by this level, anyway.

I also grabbed some shields in this level that will come in handy later.

I hate the stupid crawley things in the overhead levels that you can't kill.

From here on out, the depth to the levels dries up. This level is about half the length of the previous level. No unique theme, just a different colored cave. However, the music is probably the best of all the levels here.

Now that Jason's got an orange vest and boots to match his sweatpants, he can go out to lunch with that snothead from Moon Crystal! Maybe they'll go to a Miami Hurricanes game together. Man I'm really reaching now.

Luckily, when we enter the boss chamber, Jason has changed into a green outfit himself! This way, he can fight a giant floating face straight out of the second level of Smash TV, except much easier, and just as dumb of a concept! The prize here allows Jason to use normally-vehicle-missiles outside the vehicle. Except, not in a boss chamber. So yet another cool concept is completely stiff-armed.

Four seconds (and two long door transitions, awesome) later, we arrive at the second boss, which you may confuse with the first boss. See, you thought the worm and bee were lame, and now you're wishing they would just come back! HA!

This boss gives an ability that's actually interesting to watch - hover. Good thing the fuel lasts a long time, since it can only be disabled via a long trip to the pause menu. Hover also removes most of the annoying-looking jumping. Huzzah!

The first robot in the overhead sequence, I could not get around for nothing. This part makes me very annoyed because of that. Some nice manipulation going on this is segment though.

WATER CAN DESTROY PULSEMAN!! And Jason too, as he swims like a brick. I guess he forgot his color-changing water wings back in his barn with his dark visor and his ability to control jumps.

These mines are annoying; they can't be shot early, and they take forever to blow up. Notice how Jason changes from his red suit to his normal suit to walk through the tunnel, then to a cool blue suit to fight one of the goofiest and slowest bosses in the game. Just imagine how long this battle would be in normal play.

This is followed with an amazing suicide. One of the walls on the upper path disppears after this first boss is defeated. Shortly later, in a very surprising twist, we are fighting another copy of the exact same boss. Cuz it's a THRIIILAAAAAAAAAAA

Can't win for losing here. I don't have to deal with hover, but the jumping still sucks enough to make some parts look terrible.

This overhead segment sucks. It's void of any powerup bricks for most of the trip, and those big spinny guys that take 24 shots and can't be moved sure slow down the pace even more. There are also many seashells lying around that are the size of a tank. Making fun of this game is really getting too easy by this point.

As our developers start their semi-finals of Beer Pong, the level design takes another journey down the toilet. Some nice music, though.

And FINALLY, we have a level with two bosses that aren't clones of each other. There's clones of the bosses from Level 1! Aren't you glad they're back? What variety.

I had to grab a bunch of health early on because avoiding damage later in the level is too slow. There's a tiny bit of zipping here, too(!!!), but the circumstances to make it happen are rare enough to limit it to this one spot, right around frame 72500. Also, with use of the jetpack, Jason can now fall as far as he wants, as long as the jetpack is activated for one frame before impact.

This horridly-colored overhead segment is probably one of the best, with lots of speed and powerups. The downside is a couple of those annoying enemies that look like a giant bug with a visor are in the way.

And yes, we have the same bosses from Level 2 here. I wonder if this game was originally supposed to have only five levels. The good news is that one of them is completely unnecessary to advance to the final level, so things move along quickly here!

The overhead scene is pretty slow compared to some of the other levels. I tried to get extra health to pass through some of the electricity, but was unable to manipulate any. I did take extra health at the end to pass through most of the final level.

Since the developers had passed out by this point, I'm pretty sure the custodians designed the final level, and that one of their 3-year-old sons designed the final boss. The skateboarding clown from Skate or Die was more respectable than this mess. Good thing Jason brought yet another change of clothes!

No overhead scene. The end.

DeHackEd: ZIP replaced at JXQ's request. Improves the final boss by 160 frames.

Truncated: ACCEPTED GET READY

adelikat: Processing.