You are really reaching the depths of despair.
I know, I've been saying this for a long time and probably it got tiresome for you, but I really mean it when I say that maybe your last option of salvation is art. And more than any art form, I mean literature, the books. The books have been the only thing that made me look directly into my own situation and improve on and on.
I'm not talking about self-help books, they are awful and unrealistic. I'm talking about real philosophy, especially the ones from Germany: Arthur Schopenhauer and Friedrich Nietzsche are the ones that led me through an existential crisis, one that thankfully I came out alive and with joy.
"Die Welt als Wille und Vorstellung" and "Die Geburt der Tragödie" might be good choice: both are about the world as suffering, both are totally against suicide, but the later is more about embracing this suffering. I really, REALLY,
REALLY encourage you to read both (in the order I mentioned them, the second builds up on the first one), and maybe you will come out with some conclusions.
And if you think that you get too distracted while reading, then read while listening to
white noise. You will have to try it.